Random Thoughts from the Coast

too funny

2007-12-14T15:28:00.001-06:00

new perspective

2007-12-14T15:22:00.001-06:00

i've always thought myself to be compassionate, empathetic & kind.

and then i had james.

now, songs that i have always heard suddenly make me cry. stories make me angrier. politicians drive me insane. people drive me insane with the cruelty we impart on each other.

i can't do much about much these days, but i am glad that i do something. 'cause i want my baby boy to grow up in a better world than he was born into. i want my future children to know peace, not war. i want my grandchildren to have a safe community and planet to live in and be happy. i want to spend my days working for these things for my child, and because i've learned so much about love from HIM, i want these things for all children. (and not just the ones under 18). i want there to be safe communities EVERYWHERE. I want everyone to be able to go to the doctor when they just have a cough - just to make their nervous parents feel better. I want every child to fall asleep safe in his crib, sucking his thumb in pure joy, knowing that his parents are watching over him & keeping him safe. i want every child to wake up in his crib, flapping his arms in delight to see his parents, SO excited to see them again, just ready for another day of learning & living. these are the things i've gotten to experience with james, and i want them for other parents and their children.

they're lofty goals, and i may never reach them. but i'm sure as hell gonna try.

songs i don't normally listen to

2007-12-14T15:17:00.000-06:00

What's wrong with the world, mama
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah
Madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
Man, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin' in
Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the love, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinema
Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive till love is found

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)

So close to perfect

2007-12-02T23:10:00.000-06:00

It's my favorite time. It's getting close to Christmas, so the Amy Grant CD is perpetually in the CD player. We put up our tree last night, and bought some more home decor today. James' face lights up every time he walks (is carried) into the living room. He LOVES lights & shiny things, so he thinks it's great fun that we have a tree in our house now. There are pretty candles burning on our mantle, and the lights are all off, so the room is really dim. James is upstairs sleeping, and Max fell asleep on the sofa. The pets are all put away, so the house is completely quiet. Every once in a while, Max snores. Or james will stir in his sleep (he rotates as he's sleeping - lately, as he's gotten taller, he's getting stuck & will require some assistance to keep rotating around the crib).

It's about as close to perfect as it could get.

... let's just hope the candles on the mantle don't catch the garland on fire.

James

2007-11-26T14:51:00.000-06:00

Our little boy is so cute

Stifling Potential in Alabama

2007-11-21T08:52:00.000-06:00

My new job - Executive Assistant with Alabama Poverty Project - allows me the luxury to read these articles about poverty in Alabama - and to be a part of the solution. What will YOU do with this information?

November 21, 2007 - Guest columns
ALABAMA VOICES: Stifling potential

By Susan Pace Hamill

The recent uproar about the rezoning in the Tuscaloosa City Schools sending hundreds of black students to virtually all-black lower-performing schools came as no surprise and further illustrates the tired, but unfortunately true, cliché -- those who do not know their history are condemned to repeat it.

It also shows that until we stop focusing exclusively on race and accept that tax reform is necessary for all our children to have a chance to get an adequate education, we will never move beyond the issues we dealt with in the 1960s.

Despite spending $7,225 per student, which is above Alabama's average of $6,973, the Tuscaloosa City Schools are inadequately funded. Tuscaloosa still spends substantially less than the national average, which exceeds $8,000 per child and does not approach the top quarter of states that spend between $10,000 to $15,000.

However, schools with fewer poor children perform better despite inadequate funding because middle-class and wealthy parents provide donations to their child's school and make sure their child is not compromised.

My two high school children, who have attended the Tuscaloosa City Schools since kindergarten, have done very well. My husband and I have made countless donations to their schools, and, when our children needed something specific (such as a math book the year there were not enough to take home), we simply got out the checkbook.

Since low-income parents cannot afford these extras and their children often have additional needs, the funding of schools with greater numbers of poor children must exceed the normal standard for adequacy. The Education Trust, a conservative organization committed to closing the gap between poor and more affluent students, estimates it costs 40 percent more to educate a poor child.

This means that if a school system spends $10,000 per child, equity demands $14,000 per low income child, requiring schools with proportionally more poor children to receive substantially more funding than other schools in that same system.

Clearly the Tuscaloosa City Schools fail to provide the additional funding needed to raise the performance levels of schools with the greatest concentration of poor children, which are in the western cluster of the city.

I fully sympathize with the parents complaining about their children being re-zoned. If I were among them, I would also be very upset.

The funding of schools attended by our poorest children is even worse across most of the state. More than half of our school systems spend less than the state's average. Only comprehensive tax reform, which must include a complete overhaul of the property tax structure and greater taxes from upper middle class and wealthy Alabamians, can ensure that all our children have access to an adequate education.

What does this have to do with resegregation and race discrimination? Unfortunately, a great deal.

First, since black Alabamians make up a larger share of the poor, given their proportion of the state's population, black children suffer more from the devastating consequences of inadequate school funding.

Second, and even more disturbing, highly respected historians have proven that before the 1960s reforms fully restored the political rights of black Alabamians, George Wallace and his cronies anchored the "Lid Bill" in Alabama's constitution in order to starve funding for integrated schools. The Lid Bill keeps property taxes low and guarantees that the largest landowners will never pay more than minuscule property taxes.

Arguments that the racially discriminatory effects of the Lid Bill were cleansed in 2003 when voters rejected Gov. Riley's tax reform plan have no merit. Since all nine of Alabama's majority black counties voted in favor of the plan, the evidence suggests that black Alabamians proportionally supported the plan more than whites.

Five years ago, when I publicly released my article attacking Alabama's tax inequities and inadequate school funding on Judeo-Christian grounds, I avoided the angle of poverty and race. Like many well-meaning, white, upper-middle-class Alabamians, I was too uncomfortable to confront these issues.

I believe that this uproar over the rezoning in the Tuscaloosa City Schools is a sign from God that we must confront the racial element of our inadequate public school funding and respond by supporting tax policy that embraces the divinely created potential of all Alabama's poor children, both black and white.

And if we fail to do this, we will not only offend God. Since black children are still being disproportionately harmed, we will remain stuck with the issues we dealt with in the 1960s.

Susan Pace Hamill is a professor of law at the University of Alabama School of Law. Send e-mail to shamill@law.ua.edu .

In a little less than 2 weeks

2007-10-22T14:52:00.000-05:00

... I have applied for a job, gotten the job, and found a GREAT day care for James. WHEW. More details to come, but it's been a whirlwind.

MGD - and not the beer!

2007-10-22T14:16:00.000-05:00

October 15, 2007
Why the Millennium Development Goals, at midpoint, have never been so urgent
by Robert Roth

In everything do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law and the prophets.--Jesus of Nazareth (Matthew 7: 12)

All creatures are words of God -- All creatures may echo God in all their activities. It is, of course, just a small bit which they can reveal. --Meister Eckhart, 14th Century Christian mystic

It is God whom human beings know in every creature.--Hildegarde of Bingen, 12th Century preacher, theologian, and medical writer

Imago Dei: All are created in the image of God
With one flush of my toilet, I will use the amount of water my sister or brother in the developing world has available for washing, drinking, bathing, and cooking for an entire day. By world standards, I am rich. In the United States, over US$6,000 is spent each year per person on health care. In sub-Saharan Africa, it is US$20 or less. In a world where 20,000 to 25,000 people will die today from poverty, my country is indeed very, very rich.

So, I begin in confession. Though I have long believed that every person on every continent is created in the image of God, (taking my core understanding from Genesis 1), only in recent years have I truly seen and responded in faith to the urgency of global poverty, the catastrophe of AIDS and malaria, and the extraordinary degradation of the Earth. Just three years ago, I began to see clearly the Millennium Development Goals (MDGs) as a measure of faith.

Those wonderfully quantifiable and hope-inspiring MDGs, agreed to by the nations of the world at the United Nations-sponsored Millennium Summit in 2000, point to the living out of the very love and compassion promoted by Christian ethics. Seeing the sacredness of each person can motivate us to confess our greed and inactivity and then to work for these goals. In their accomplishment, even in their progress, we find the good news of the Christian Gospel being lived and celebrated.

The Millennium Development Goals call for measurable progress in eliminating extreme poverty (people living on a dollar a day or less), establishing universal primary education, advancing gender equality and the empowerment of women, decreasing child mortality, increasing maternal health, fighting HIV/AIDS, malaria and other diseases, securing environmental sustainability, and creating a global partnership for development.

Compassion, Human Rights and Justice
How central is all of this to our Christian faith? Our faith is rooted in the sacredness of life and the conviction that God has taken human form and dwelt among us. Taken together, Genesis 1 and Matthew 1 bring us to the heart of the MDGs: every person on every continent in every city or village is sacred. Each of us, created in the image of God, have ethical obligations that come to us from a God who has walked among us in the person of Jesus Christ.

A Christ-centered faith recognizes Christmas as a celebration of the inherent dignity of each person and the blessedness of all creation. This profound focus on human dignity empowers Christian ethics that play out in the full complement of human rights for all. It begins in what we have called 'mercy,' but 'compassion' might be a better word in our day. The former can sometimes suggest pity, even condescension, while the latter is rooted in celebrating another's joy and suffering with others because we are all related. We are all in this together.

Imago Dei: All are Created in the Image of God
The crisis of global poverty calls us to move from compassion to a justice grounded in human rights. It will not be enough to redress past wrongs, striving to 'get even.' Beginning and ending in the realization of the imago dei (again, the image of God in each person), we see the holiness of the child in Ethiopia and the old woman in India, responding as though our very relationship with God depended on our commitments and action. When human dignity drives our movement toward social holiness, we can truly see that little one as the Christ child and that woman as our own mother. In his classic volume, Love, Power, and Justice, theologian Paul Tillich made clear the ethical obligations of what he called "creative justice:" "It belongs to the right of everyone whom we encounter to demand something from us, at least that even in the most impersonal relations the other one is acknowledged as a person." This echoes our Christian scriptures -- the Golden Rule -- and, essentially the scriptures of major world religions, as well as the philosopher Immanuel Kant, when he said, "Act, so as to treat humanity, whether in your own person or that of another, always as an end, and never as a means only."

The Millennium Development Goals in 2007
Let us walk through the eight goals, reminded of scriptural touch points that can strengthen our support of the MDGs as a faith response. Knowing the danger of taking a scripture verse out of context, the reader will be trusted to further "search the scriptures" for broader understanding of the biblical, theological and ethical implications of the MDGs. Following the statement of each MDG, an update is given on its progress, based on the Millennium Development Goals Report 2007, released by the U.N. on July 2. After each update, a suggested reflection or a question for discussion is offered. The MDGs are 15-year goals, so we are now at just about the mid-point.

GOAL 1: ERADICATE EXTREME POVERTY AND HUNGER

So God created humankind in his image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. (Genesis 1: 27)

There has been progress toward the target of halving the percentage of people in extreme poverty (living on the equivalent of US$1 per day) between 2000 and 2015. From 1990 to 2004, it dropped from 32 percent (1.25 billion) to 19 percent (980 million). Sub-Saharan Africa's poverty rate has declined by six percent since 2000. Of the six billion people in the world today, nearly a billion are still in extreme poverty and another are in poverty (US$2 per day). This suggests that people of faith in the rich world have yet to make this issue "and a recognition that each person is created by God in God's image" a priority. One percent of the wealth of the rich nations would achieve this MDG, as well as the other seven goals. (Dr. Jeffrey Sachs, economist and special advisor to the U.N. Secretary General on the MDGs, demonstrates this point in his book The End of Poverty as well as in the July 2007 issue of Vanity Fair.) What will it take for us to share 1% of our wealth?

GOAL 2: ACHIEVE UNIVERSAL PRIMARY EDUCATION

And Jesus increased in wisdom and in years, and in divine and human favor. (Luke 2: 52)

As completion of primary schooling for all boys and girls is the 2015 target, progress from 80 percent in 1991 to 88 percent in 2005 is certainly to be celebrated. As with many of these goals, greater gains in Asia stand in stark contrast to frustrated efforts and decline in large parts of Africa. Picture a child in Ethiopia, a child in China, and a desperately poor child in rural Brazil. Consider your image of Jesus at that same age. Imagine Jesus is that child, opening your heart and mind to the possibilities for the months and years ahead.

GOAL 3: PROMOTE GENDER EQUALITY AND EMPOWER WOMEN

But let justice role down like waters, and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream. (Amos 5: 24)

Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, a United Methodist, became Africa's first elected female head of state when she was inaugurated president of Liberia on January 16, 2006. This is a tremendous symbol of hope amidst extremely mixed results toward the target: "Eliminate gender disparity in primary and secondary education and at all levels of education no later than 2015." The U.N.'s 2007 MDG Report cites slow overall progress for women. Why do you think this might be the case in the developing world?

GOAL 4: REDUCE CHILD MORTALITY

...but Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of heaven belongs." (Matthew 19: 14)

The MDG Report of 2007 said: "Child mortality has declined worldwide, in large part because of effective and inexpensive interventions to save children from such threats as measles." There has also been a major expansion of key interventions to fight malaria. However, the sad update overall for this goal is that reducing the mortality rate for under-fives by two-thirds (the 2015 target) is still far off.
Think about -- and, if possible, talk about -- how economic, political and medical issues can be seen as spiritual issues as well.

GOAL 5: IMPROVE MATERNAL HEALTH

She had heard about Jesus...Immediately, her hemorrhage stopped; and she felt in her body that she was healed of her disease. (Mark 5: 27, 29)

Over 500,000 women are still dying annually from preventable and treatable complications in pregnancy and childbirth. Every year, 500,000 more! We have the resources, but not yet the will, to end this. God help us. A "Christian" can be defined as either "one who follows Jesus and/or one who is Christ-like." If we see Jesus as a healer, how incumbent is it upon all Christians to find their places in the great works of healing in our day?

GOAL 6: COMBAT HIV/AIDS, MALARIA AND OTHER DISEASES

Now there are varieties of gifts but the same Spirit...to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gift of healing by the one Spirit. (I Corinthians 12: 9)

Is the reduction in deaths caused by or related to HIV/AIDS -- from 2.9 million in 2001 to 2.2 million in 2006 -- a reason to celebrate? Yes and no, especially as we consider the 15 million children around the world who have lost to HIV/AIDS one or both parents. How do the large, even astonishing numbers in an MDG like this one, motivate or paralyze our movement toward real action?

GOAL 7: ENSURE ENVIRONMENTAL SUSTAINABILITY

God saw everything that he had made, and in deed, it was very good. (Genesis 1: 31)

Finally, the last holdouts among political leaders are admitting that global climate change from human pollution is a reality. Rising greenhouse gas emissions from automobile exhaust pipes and factory smokestacks are causing elevated temperatures, melting polar ice caps, and adding to the list of endangered species. Policies -- such as Congressional guidelines on fuel standards and White House acknowledgement of the reality of climate change in the United States -- are beginning to change. We must remember: the world's poor suffer the greatest consequences from all forms of environmental degradation. Read all of Genesis 1 as an environmental ethic. What would it take to become a responsible steward of creation? Reflect, pray, discuss.

GOAL 8: DEVELOP A GLOBAL PARTNERSHIP FOR DEVELOPMENT

"From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required; and from the one to whom much has been entrusted, even more will be demanded." (Luke 12: 41)

The MDG Report 2007 found that efforts to meet the target of establishing "an open, rule-based, predictable, non-discriminatory trading and financial system" have been disappointing to date. While foreign debts by developing nations continue to be high, and those contracted even under onerous conditions remain, thanks to campaigns by non-governmental organizations calling for freedom from these debts, as well as some visible steps by creditor nations to lighten the pressure on borrower nations to repay. What percent of a poor country's annual budget do you believe should go to paying for debts incurred under onerous arrangements or during previous corrupt and often dictatorial regimes? Should the World Bank, International Monetary Fund, or other global financial institutions profit from loans to the poorest countries even when the principal of their loans has been paid? Why or why not?

The Bucks Start Here

A faithful global church must educate and advocate effectively -- until the Millennium Development Goals are accomplished. The direct ministries of food, medicine, and technology sharing are not enough. We must be willing to engage in legislative advocacy and other forms of public witness in and through governments and in partnership with other non-governmental organizations at the local, national, regional and international levels.

At the Millennium Summit in 2000, at the 2002 Monterrey Conference on Financing for Development, and at the 2005 World Summit, rich nations committed to devote 0.7 percent of their Gross National Income (that is seven-tenths of one percent) to the achievement of the MDGs. To date, only Denmark, Sweden, Luxembourg, the Netherlands, and Norway have met the 0.7 commitment. England and France are at about 0.5 and the United States, nearly last among developed countries, is at about 0.2.

"Either you decide to leave people to die or you do something about it," says Columbia University economist Jeffrey Sachs, in speech after speech. Asked recently why he works at the MDGs night and day, Sachs respond with the simple clarity we must instill in our churches: "If you hadn't noticed, people are dying. It's an emergency."

In the MDG Report 2007, United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon says that "Success in some countries demonstrates that rapid and large-scale progress towards the MDGs is feasible if we combine strong government leadership, good policies and practical strategies for scaling up public investments in vital areas with adequate financial and technical support from the international community -- (however) the lack of any significant increase in Official Development Assistance since 2004 makes it impossible, even for well-governed countries, to meet the MDGs."

The bad news: total aid from the rich countries declined in real terms by 5.1 percent between 2005 and 2006. Therefore, as Dr. Sachs told the General Assembly of the United Nations in November of 2006, "millions of people die every year for the stupid reason they are too poor to stay alive." In that same speech, Sachs also said, with his usual blunt clarity: "this is a plight we can end."

The Good News: people of faith and goodwill know what needs to be done, have the resources to do it, and worship a God who dwells among us, promising to empower us and bless us until God's will is accomplished. Jesus Christ "is the reflection of God's glory and the exact imprint of God's very being, and he sustains all things by his powerful word." (Hebrews 1:3).

Learn & Speak Out, Learn & Take Action
Most of us are able to learn a great deal about global poverty and the MDGs in a fairly short amount of time. Though we strive to be life-long learners, there is no need to become experts before we speak out and take action.
Here are some places to begin:
(1) The MDGs on the United Nations website: www.un.org/millenniumgoals.
(2) The United Nations Association of the USA magazine and website: www.unausa.org; The Interdependent, 801 Second Avenue, NY, NY 10017. A one-year subscription is $12; one-year institutional subscription is $10.50; and a membership in the UNA of the USA (including magazine) is $25.
(3) The United Methodist Office for the United Nations, a joint ministry of the General Board of Church and Society (www.umc-gbcs.org/un) and the Women's Division of the General Board of Global Ministries, both of The United Methodist Church, has produced resource materials on the MDGs, including previous issues of this newsletter pers.pec.tives. Last year's focus on HIV/AIDS can be found at www.umc-gbcs.org/unsunday.
(4) Express and mobilize support for H.R. 1302 otherwise known as the Global Poverty Act so that it becomes a law in the United States. This bill was passed on September 25, 2007 in the U.S. House of Representatives. It is time for the U.S. Senate to do the same. This important legislation, if passed, will "require the President to develop and implement a comprehensive strategy to further the United States foreign policy objective of promoting the reduction of global poverty, the elimination of extreme global poverty, and the achievement of the United Nations Millennium Development Goal of reducing by one-half the proportion of people worldwide, between 1990 and 2015, who live on less than $1 per day." For the text of the bill, go to http://www.govtrack.us/congress/bill.xpd?bill=h110-1302.(5) The One Campaign for the achievement of the MDGs: www.ONE.org
(6) The End of Poverty, a book by Jeffrey Sachs, now in paperback. See also an excellent feature story on Jeffrey Sachs in the July 2007 issue of Vanity Fair at your library or online, which was an excellent theme issue all about Africa and co-edited by U2's Bono! Yes, Vanity Fair!
(7) For a focus on child-related MDGs, visit http://www.unicef.org/statistics/index_24304.html. Use information from this website can be use in preparing participation in Trick-or-Treat for UNICEF. Visit http://www.unicefusa.org/site/pp.asp?c=hkIXLdMRJtE&b=1706865.(8) Order wallet-sized listing of the MDGs calling on United Methodists to ?stand firmly on the holy ground of hope? and to ?build the moral and political will to eradicate extreme poverty. Call GBCS at +1. 202.488.5600 or visit the GBCS Online Store at www.umc-gbcs.org.

For more resources on the United Nations and information about the United Nations and international affairs ministry of GBCS and the United Methodist Church, call Rev. Liberato Bautista, Asst. General Secretary, at tel: +1.212.682.3633, fax:+1.212.682.5354 or email him at LBautista@umc-gbcs.org.

______________________________________________________

*Robert Roth (B.A., Michigan State University; M.Div., Duke University) is a writer, social activist, and clergy member of the West Michigan Annual Conference. A former columnist for Sojourners magazine and the Michigan Christian Advocate, Roth has written three books, most recently Answering God?s Call For Your Life : A Look At Christian Calls and Church Vocations (2006, the General Board of Higher Education and Ministry, the United Methodist Church, available at www.cokesbury.com). In 2004 and 2005, as a member of the Isaiah Circle of GBCS UN Advocates, he was a United Methodist delegate to the DPI-NGO Annual Conference at the United Nations.

Date: 10/15/2007

James trying to eat his toy

2007-10-11T11:06:00.001-05:00

another picture page

2007-10-10T22:50:00.000-05:00

well, i have become overrun with pictures of james, and finally am getting around to putting them up. unfortunately, blogger isn't the fastest way for me to do that... so here are a few places i have pictures of james:

http://web.mac.com/rebeccablalock

http://www.myspace.com/happyinthesunal

my goal is to consolidate & have all pics on the web.mac site, but for now, this is what's working with my hodge-podge of free time.

oh yeah... i forgot!

2007-10-09T21:03:00.000-05:00

James cut his first tooth on Saturday! It wasn't there in the morning, when we went to farmer's market. But when we got home, I gave him his bottle & tried to put him down for his nap (he had been yawning & rubbing his eyes at church)... he refused to go down. So, after about an hour, we'd moved on to lunch & hanging out. He was still really fussy, so I checked again, and there it was! It's just a little spike in his bottom gum, but it's a tooth! He's figured out that biting his own hands now hurt, so he's even more excited to chew on our fingers. We're very quick to give him a teething ring or other chew toy. Luckily, he's pretty easily pacified with just about anything to chew on.

Will post pictures when there's a picture worth taking!

Who's that cute baby?

2007-10-09T21:00:00.001-05:00

James has finally started noticing that there's a baby reflecting back at him in the mirror, and even more fun, on the computer when we're using the camera. I figured out a way to get him to smile at the camera instead of the baby... tricky! Pay no attention to my non-showered hair... I at least brushed my teeth this morning!

Learning to sit alone

2007-10-09T20:54:00.000-05:00

James is working on sitting by himself these days... Good thing the sofa's soft!

To Senator Shelby & Sessions

2007-10-08T14:40:00.001-05:00

Senator Shelby,

I have been following the SCHIP bill, and was disappointed, although not surprised, that you voted against this bill. When the vote comes back to override the President's veto, I urge you to remember the 115,000 children in Alabama who do not have health insurance. Since they cannot vote, cannot speak for themselves, and cannot earn an income, it is up to us to make sure their needs are met. It is up to YOU to make better choices on their behalf. For my husband and I, providing health care for our son is a no-brainer. We pay a heavy price for our health insurance, but we are able to pay it. There is simply no debate about whether or not to get his immunizations, to make the "just in case" visit to the pediatrician, or to buy another round of medicine. For many, many parents in Alabama (indeed, many of my neighbors in East Lake, a poor community in Birmingham), these decisions are not so easy to make. They cannot afford health insurance, or they may not even have it offered to them.

When you were elected Senator, you were elected to represent all of us, not just the wealthy donors to your campaign, or the business interests of the state. Indeed, are we not judged by how we care for the powerless in our society?

Senator Shelby, please reconsider your vote for the SCHIP program. Whatever argument you are resting on for your voting against this program, one look at the reality facing my neighbors in alabama should surely change your mind.

Daily Show SCHIP

2007-10-08T12:36:00.001-05:00

There are many decisions made by Pres. Bush that I don't like. There are some, however, that simply grate my last nerve. When congress finally decided to start operating with their collective heads OUT of their asses, pres. bush decided to act in favor of private insurance companies instead of children. Yup - things like this grate my nerves.

HA HA HA

2007-10-05T21:29:00.000-05:00

For those of you who know my sports history, you'll remember that though I live in Alabama, I am originally a native of Cleveland, Ohio. (More specifically, random suburb of Bedford.) As said native, I am a passive die-hard Cleveland Indians fan. For months now, Max has been keeping me updated as the Indians kept doing well throughout the season. I said distinctly a few months ago - "it doesn't matter how they're doing now - they'll blow it. They're the Indians - that's what they do. It's okay - we're used to it." My mom echoed this when she was here in August & they were still doing well.

WELL...

The Indians made the playoffs.

Not just the wild card - won the division & everything.

And, as another part of being an indians fan - i HATE the new york yankees. they have "stolen" many wins from our beloved tribe, and i remain true to my city by HATING this team.

SO - it is choice irony that the indians are playing the yankees in round one of the '07 playoffs. And - to my delight, I have been able to watch for the past two nights the Indians beat the yankees to go ahead 2-0 for the series. Which means that all we have to do is win one more game (granted, it'll be in new york) and we'll go to the next round... and the yankees will go home!

WAHOOOO!!!!

Read about it...

semi-serious. casual readers be warned

2007-10-03T20:49:00.000-05:00

I get mad.

I get sad.

I get overcome with emotion and I have to 'check out' before i drown.

seeing my son in a browns outfit.

watching the tribe make it to the play-offs.

thinking about my family.

thinking about the future.

I get so mad at my father for the choices he made & how they affect our family. How they affect me. How they affect my son, whom he has never (and won't, as of now) even met.

'cause i know that my dad, for all his faults, would love to have another grandson. I know that he would love the pictures of him in browns' gear & tribe stuff. and i know, that for all his failures as a father & husband & grandfather, his grandkids never knew that he sucked. (they figured it out, though.) ... and for infants, he was a sucker. loved 'em like there was no tomorrow.

and it pisses me off that james won't know that. that he won't have that.

...

I was cleaning out a box of things that my mom packed up for me when they sold their house. somehow, i received the late-80s family church picture. we were so happy. all smiley & shit.

i also found college pictures.

and every one of them, i mentally do the math - without even making a conscious effort.

"let's see... that was in 1999. That means he had been "insert thought" for "insert years." ..." and so on.

so every memory, every thought is warped. Everything that was good is tainted. Everything that was hopeful, everything that was promising, is soured. I think of my college graduation - i remember hearing my mom tell me that my dad was bragging on me to everyone, 'cause he was so proud to have a college graduate for a daughter.

but now, it's a mockery. it's all a mockery.

... i don't know how to move past this. i don't know how to forgive this. forget - that's not even an option. i'd just like to stop feeling so much about it. to stop hurting so much that i physically feel this in my bones. to feel betrayal and disappointment so deeply - i can taste it. to know how much pride i feel in james, and assume that my father felt the same about his daughters & grandchildren, and walked away from it all. and has never fought (or even simply asked) for a chance to have it back.

... and there's the question - under what circumstances would i give it to him? he's attempted contact with me. he's passively tried. why isn't that enough to make me respond? why don't i take the opening? what am i waiting for? will anything he does be enough?

The "other" james

2007-10-03T20:08:00.001-05:00

teething sucks.

Cutest browns fan ever

2007-10-01T21:21:00.000-05:00

last week, James & i stayed home from church 'cause he had a runny nose.

as a good browns fan, i dressed him in his finest to watch them (or at least, watch updates on ESPN) lose.

As a proud mama, I took pictures of my browns fan.

'cause he's the CUTEST browns fan - EVER

Just a fluke...

2007-10-01T21:08:00.000-05:00

Last week, it was random.

At naptime, it was a dream.

On saturday, it was an answer to prayer 'cause we were running late & the alternative would have put me over the edge.

Last night, I thought it was real.

Tonight, I know it is.

My son is going to bed on his own.

MY SON. MY SON, with whom many tears have been shed (on both parties cheeks) over falling asleep.

Here's how tonight went:
8:00 bath & massage with bedtime lotion (which could be a crock, but it's a good excuse to give him a rub-down)
8:15 get bottle ready
8:20 kiss Max goodnight, upstairs with becky
8:30 finished 5 oz bottle, rubbing eyes, almost asleep
8:32 burping/spit up - awake - hang out with mom a little bit more
8:40 in crib, talking to mobile friends, listening to bedtime cd
8:45 fussy - needs some mama time
8:50 stroll around room, back in crib - talking w/ mobile friends
9:00 asleep, sucking on burp rag/thumb.

when he woke up at 4:45 this morning, I heard him talking, and then heard him sucking his thumb, and then i didn't hear him.

Seriously.

When julie was here a few months ago, I was in the midst of "HOW DO I TEACH HIM TO FALL ASLEEP????" crisis. I said - I just want to be able to put him in his crib, kiss him, and walk away. she said - when will that come?

my response: (more hopeful than realistic) - around 6 months, I think.

James is 5 1/2 months old. I didn't do a damn thing to "teach him" how do to this. What I was teaching him was to associate crying with sleeping. The experts & books didn't prepare me for this. He just kinda led us to it - he'd squirm & wiggle out of our arms, and we'd say - okay, just hang out in your crib, then. And then he fell asleep.

Seriously.

My son - this little boy who's "just 5 1/2 months old" is teaching me SO much about myself, about him, and about trusting both of us to get through these beginning days of our relationship as mother & son.

Quiet evening

2007-09-24T19:18:00.000-05:00

Just thought I'd write a quick update - I don't get to write much anymore...

James is almost 5 1/2 months old. He's easily 18 lbs - we're guessing 27-28 inches. He has progressed to exclusively formula - has been eating baby oatmeal for about a month now, and we've started tonight with sweet potatoes - ATE THEM UP!!! Couldn't get them in his mouth fast enough. He was grabbing the spoon & bringing it to his mouth in between bites. He's sleeping 9-10 hours at night, and naps are still iffy - sometimes 30 minutes, sometimes 1.5 hours.

He's still rolling tummy to back - will go back to belly with a little help, but doesn't stay there for long. Doesn't show a whole lot of interest in crawling yet - just kinda lays there & squirms. BUT - he LOVES sitting up by himself & standing is his absolute favorite. He puts all of his weight on his legs & those rolls of fat just hold everything up!

He's been teething for a while, but nothing's come through yet. He will attack anyone's hand that comes close, and has even attacked knees & shoulders looking for SOMETHING to chew on. He loves his toys ( read: more things to chew on) - rings, "ella" and "parrot" from his floor mat, triangle & rectangle shapes with rattles inside, "monkey man" from his mobiles & car mirror, and any burp rag instantly becomes his best friend. He's discovered that the phone is within his range now of grabbing, and doesn't so much talk into the phone but just breathes on it.

He "babbles" all the time - screams, squeals, laughs, whines, groans, and is starting to develop quite the personality. We are fully convinced that "hey" is his first word - he doesn't say it at appropriate times yet, but he'll say it to both max & I when he sees us.

The child I care for

2007-09-15T16:05:00.000-05:00

After asking for 4 months "who does James look like?" We found this picture. The debate is over. I've decided that I was vaguely involved in the process. More like a carrier, really.

me and my cuddle-bug

2007-09-14T12:10:00.000-05:00

James has been very cuddly this week - just snuggles right into me for a few seconds, and then pops right up. SOOOOO sweet!!!!!

James' trickery

2007-09-08T08:26:00.000-05:00

(transcribed by Becky - post by James)

after sleeping for 10+ hours a night for the past 3 weeks, I decided to change things up a bit last night - you know, keep the old folks on their toes. they were getting a little cocky.

I started by waking mom up at 6:30 friday morning. She tricked me back by nursing me back to sleep in her bed. (I'm a sucker for breakfast in bed.) I got her back by only sleeping 'til 8. Then, I wouldn't go down for my morning nap until I fussed for 45 (not my usual 15) minutes. I was tired, then, and slept for 45 minutes.

Mom got me back by delaying my lunch while she & dad went out to lunch. I obliged & drank my bottle & ate my cereal, but I didn't like it. =)

So then mom lulled me to sleep by driving, and I slept for 1.5 hours. (not so fuel efficient, mama!)

After that, I wasn't so crazy about eating, so instead my usual 5oz, I ate 2 at 3 pm and mom suckered me into taking another 2 at 4 pm. Then, it was naptime. I protested LOUDLY about that one, and got dad to pick me up with out making me take a nap. Then, we all drove to play disc golf. I fell asleep within 5 minutes though, and the suckers drove around birmingham AGAIN. he he heh.

AFter I woke up, we went to the park and I ate a few more ounces. no cereal, though. Don't even bother, mom!

We played disc golf - they got a few holes in before i got tired of being in my stroller.

We came home - mama thought i would sleep on the way home. boy can i prove her wrong!

I was kinda hungry when we got home, so i ate cereal & took a small bottle. Hung out for a while & then fell asleep with the rest of my dinner.

...

and this is where the fun begins!

...

10:45. I hear mama go to bed.

11:30 - I wake up SCREAMING - just to see if she can hear me in the other room. Medicine drops, mylicon gas drops, calm in dad's arms. (i'm a sucker for my papa!) Still not happy, though. Mama gives me a bottle and i fall back to sleep.

4:30- 6:00 Buddy the dog has conversation with neighbor. I ignore it for a while, but finally have to say something. Dad gets me to sleep, but not for long - he he he

6:15 - I'm up again, aware that i didn't even get OFFERED any food. Mom hears that pathetic cry & gives me a bottle. I'm a happy man. Even better, she caves & lets me sleep with her in bed, just so she can get some rest.

7:30. Shadow the cat scratches at the door for his breakfast, and this wakes me up. mama curses. that's funny.

7:45 I wake up for a fun day - Mama - why do you look so tired?

Best one yet

2007-09-05T21:06:00.000-05:00

I'm done putting James to bed. By far, the easiest bedtime yet this week. We sat down in his room, read (with no tears) "Goodnight Moon" - which usually prompts tears by the time I've said "In the great green room..." He flipped the pages & played with the book for the first time. I turned the light out & we said "goodnight" to his animals & things in his room. We sat & rocked & I sang a song. He looked at me & watched me sing. I finished the song, and he kinda fussed a little. I sat him up & held him against my chest & rocked & patted his back. He sucked his thumb & blankie (a burp rag!). He was still a little restless, so I changed position - laid him down & let him rest in my arms. He tucked his head up against my elbow, grabbed a hold of my shirt and his blankie, and sucked his thumb. In about a minute, he was asleep. It was about as perfect a moment as it could be. I kissed his head, told him that we were going to his crib, and that I'd see him in the morning, and that I love him.

It's moments like this that make the 2;30 risings, the fussiness from teething, and the 3x/day spitting up on my pants less important.

Jailbird James

2007-09-05T20:27:00.000-05:00

James in his "jailhouse" jammies... all clean & ready for bed!

let's include daddy...

2007-09-02T18:35:00.001-05:00

James isn't as impressed with our new toy as we are!

Happy Evening

2007-09-02T18:31:00.000-05:00

James & I sitting on our deck, taking pictures on our new macbook. After a year of waiting, Max & I can finally afford this new toy! We even got a wireless router, so now our house is wireless, so that means we can sit on our deck & enjoy the internet, itunes, and isight talks with Grammy!

Much happier

2007-08-24T20:20:00.000-05:00

Last weekend, I was ready to quit. James had gone 12 nights sleeping through the night and then 2 1/2 weeks of being up every 3 hours. (Right now, he's leaned over, drooling on the keyboard, trying to suck my thumb knuckle! Don't tell Max!)

And last Sunday, after I cried when someone asked me how I was doing, i decided that something needed to change. I refused (gracefully) to cave to his fussiness refusing to take a bottle. By sunday night, there was less fussiness. Not eagerness yet, but a certain acceptance.

Monday, we started the "no walking/nursing" policy for naps. Until now, james would prefer to fall asleep walking around, being sung to, or nursing. He preferred to sleep in our arms. I was going crazy.

So, monday at 9:30, we went to his room, read "goodnight moon" and turned out the light. he cried (screamed, really) for 14 minutes. 15 minutes - he fell asleep. he was then put in his crib (which usually woke him up) and slept for 40 minutes. I was thrilled. we repeated this throughout the day. bedtime - same story. he slept from 9:30 - 3:45 - max got him back down for another 2 hours. i nursed at 6. he was up again at 8. success.

This same story has repeated all week. he has slept fro 9:30 - 7:30/8:00 every day. he naps at approx. the same time every day, and has the same meal routine (cereal at lunch & dinner) every day.

He naps in his crib.

I have cooked dinner every night, and have managed to clean my house (with much help today) in preparation for his baptism on sunday.

I am a new woman, and my son is a happy, healthy, good sleeper.

next battle: falling asleep in his crib alone. we'll wait a while on that one. =)

bouncer

2007-08-22T12:34:00.000-05:00

James isn't real convinced that this exersaucer isn't torture.

confusion

2007-08-22T12:30:00.000-05:00

don't know if you can tell clearly, but this morning's outfit proves james' confused loyalties... a braves t-shirt for Max, and an Indians bib for Becky. He was enjoying his oatmeal, but the red in Chief Wahoo's face proved much too interesting... he was distracted the whole time I was feeding him!

Go Tribe!

=)

Quick note

2007-08-21T15:07:00.000-05:00

For those who read this, we're still alive! This last month has been a challenge of naps, routine, breastfeeding & an ever-growing little boy! James is now 4 months & 1 week, and is 17 lbs, and 26 inches tall! He taunted us with sleeping through the night until my frozen supply of breastmilk (extra bottle at night) ran out! We're back to building up that supply, and last night he slept 6 hours - the longest stretch in 2 weeks! (That was a long two weeks for everyone!)

Nap time's over... must go!

James rolls over

2007-07-18T19:52:00.000-05:00

Apart from the gravity-induced video of last month, here is a video of James rolling over! He did it yesterday, but I couldn't get video of it until today - he's too quick! And, yes, he almost rolled over onto Niblett!

3 month pictures

2007-07-16T13:09:00.000-05:00

Seriously. How'd we get so lucky?

Almost 3 months!

2007-07-09T21:37:00.000-05:00

In a brief moment, while James sleeps & before I head to "nappy's house" myself, some reflections on the past three months:

I know what an aspirator is, and I'm not afraid to use it. I know the benefits of mylicon drops, and I fear overuse.

I sometimes wish there was a baby sleeping pill.

I sometimes wish there was a "magic action" that would make James go to sleep better. Naps - in his opinion - are evil. (Bedtime, however, doesn't fall into this category. Maybe it's cause I nurse him to sleep at night, but during the day he eats AFTER he wakes up. I could be making this harder on myself.)

I wait 15-30 minutes after James goes down for a nap or to bed, to see if he wakes up. If he DOESN'T wake up, I proceed to curse & regret having not spent those minutes either doing something or sleeping. Happens daily, and yet I can't break the pattern. (Even now, these minutes of typing are my "let's see if he wakes up before I let myself fall asleep" minutes.)

Seeing my son smile, talk & laugh makes up for (just about) every minute of frustration, every poopy diaper, and every moment of crying.

Seeing my son cry breaks my heart, especially when he's crying because of something I've done. (even if it's for his own good, like teaching him how to nap in his crib or comfort himself when he wakes up early)

I'm beginning to believe that I'm actually a good mother.

Watching James learn things is amazing. Today, I taught him how to pull himself up from laying down by holding onto my fingers. (After a week of saying "bring your head" - it's great to see him actually remember to do it!) After a few moments of laying down, he tenses his neck & brings his knees forward, ready to be lifted up... and then sits up for a few minutes, and then throws his head back, ready to lay down again for a break. we must have done this for about 30 minutes this evening, and he never tired of it. It was absolutely amazing. I have video - will post soon.

I'm getting better at asking for & letting people help me.

I love watching other people love & care for my son.

I get protective when I see James getting overstimulated by people talking at him incessantly. I get pissed off when people - upon seeing that he's sleeping in my arms - insist that patting him on the back repeatedly is the best way to express their greeting.

at the same time...

I sometimes wish I worked outside the home so someone else would do naps, all day dirty diapers, and crying fits.
I thought - for a brief moment - about what my life would be like without James.
I sometimes wish I had a nanny.

and then...
I was nursing James and he stopped, looked at me, and smiled. I fell in love all over again, and my heart melted into the body of this little three month old that can in a moment make me cry and laugh at the same time.

James falling

2007-07-04T11:01:00.000-05:00

Last week, I gave James "tummy time" on our new ottoman. He normally just turns his head around, drools, watches TV, and then gets fussy after a few minutes. This time, however, was slightly different. I was videoing it so my family could see him & how strong he is already. Funny now, not so funny then. Don't worry, he didn't actually fall off. I caught him by the waistband of his jeans.

James talking

2007-07-04T10:33:00.000-05:00

This is a video I took of James last week... he "talks" much better when the camera's not around! He's getting SO big & SO opinionated! he knows which songs he likes to fall asleep to, and has already figured out that Mama's arms make a much better napping place than his boring, lonely crib! He'll be 12 weeks old on Thursday, july 5th. it's amazing how time flies!

10 Weeks

2007-06-21T16:48:00.000-05:00

Just a quick picture for those who check without an email prompt...

This is "tummy time" yesterday.

At his 2 month check up (which was actually 9 1/2 weeks), James is 13.5 lbs, and is 23 inches tall. (For numbers folks, that's 98th percentile in weight, and 50th in height.) He's obviously growing like a weed, and is an amazing little boy.

Non-James post

2007-05-24T21:21:00.000-05:00

Just a shout-out to the rest of our life, here's a picture of our cat Shadow attempting to share Max's burger with him.

(Shadow is looking for a new home, but not because of this! If you're in the market for a 5 year old blue russian cat, give us a call!)

First Doo-Dah Day

2007-05-24T21:09:00.000-05:00

In Birmingham every spring, there is a day-long celebration to benefit local animal orginazations like the humane society. It's called Doo Dah Day. (It was going to be called Doo Doo Day, but some boring guy thought it wouldn't be the BEST idea.)

James, Max & I went to our first Doo Dah Day this past weekend. We saw dogs of all shapes & sizes. My favorite was the samoan husky (I think that's the breed.) Max likes weimaraners. James was neutral on the topic, but he seemed to lean towards the saint bernard and the greyhounds. Although, the scotty dog and any puppies also got his attention.

James wore his red puppy dog shirt.

And then he spit up on it before we ever left the house.

So then James wore his blue puppy dog jumper.

...............................And then he peed on it before I could even take a picture.

So then James wore his jungle jumper.

And then James wore nothing, because he peed on his jumper as we were changing his diaper in the park. I think Shannon's dog Bailey even licked him while we were changing him. (Just Kidding!)

Nekkid Baby

2007-05-24T21:02:00.000-05:00

Just a few pictures of James while we hung out on the porch this afternoon. Quickly thereafter, he got hot & we went inside. =)

Reflections of a new mother

2007-05-24T20:46:00.000-05:00

(warning to those folks who think that having a newborn is gloriously always happy. This post contains realistic words and thoughts from a new mother. If you can't handle reading that or feel the need to judge, please discontinue reading & skip straight to the cute pictures!)

Well, folks, "Baby Boot Camp" is over, or so they tell me. We've all survived the first 6 weeks, and we're all still 1) intact, 2) talking to each other, 3) well fed and clean. It's supposed to get "easier" now. I'm wondering who "they" are, and what they define as "easier."

The last 6 weeks have been the hardest of my life.

I've had challening jobs, bosses, assignments, situations. I've been pushed by the environment I've been in. I've had devastating family situations in the last 2 years. I've lived through Hurricane Katrina & her aftermath. I've moved 5 times in the last 3 years.

The last 6 weeks have been the hardest of my life.

I survive on sleep in 2 hour (more, if I'm lucky) segments.

I have someone sucking on me every three hours for 30-45 minutes at a time, only to follow that with possibly spitting up on me, peeing on me, and once, pooping on me.

I consider showering and dressing (in non-pajamas) daily a HUGE accomplishment.

I'm extraordinarily proud if I 1) brush my teeth, 2) eat 3 real meals that don't include a pop-tart, 3) do something non-baby-care related (like laundry or getting dinner ready or cleaning the kitchen), 4) get outside for more than 10 minutes, 5) respond to an email with more than 3 sentences, 6) read something non-baby related.

I love my son. That goes without saying, I hope. Nevertheless, caring for him can be very draining, especially when he sleeps for only 30 minutes at a time during the day. Spending 45 minutes to get him BACK to sleep put me over the edge, and I actually called Max to have him come home, because I was worried about my ability to handle James as best he needed. I sometimes think I'm a bad mother because I get upset. Several kind folks have assured me otherwise, but I don't really believe them.

I love my son. But sometimes, I'm not thrilled with being a new mom. I've been promised (under threat of having a 6 week old shipped to Ohio) that it'll get easier & I'll actually enjoy this. I'm still waiting for that to be true for more than 2 hours (or 2 days) at a time.

James is 1 month old!

2007-05-11T16:26:00.000-05:00

Well, folks - we've all survived 28 days. James has contemplated trading us in on several occasions - mostly involving delayed dinners or diaper changes. We've contemplated trading him in for a model that poops less. =)

I'm on borrowed time with a friend who's keeping James while I do this, so I'll keep the chatter to a minimum & get right to the pictures. Hope all is well with everyone! Thanks for the thoughts, phone calls & emails - even if we don't return the communication, it IS appreciated! Maybe NEXT month we'll get around to returning phone calls!

Here are some of the best pics from this week - scroll down to see last week's.

James - all tuckered out from a long day of... pooping & eating, actually.

Amazing - he sleeps 16 hours a day, and still gets to make that face. I'm exhausted, and still manage a smile for the camera.

One of the rare occassions where James "allowed" us to put him down while he was sleeping. I think he woke up by the time I put the camera away.

Self explanatory of how some days are.

James & Max - hanging out, watching the Daily Show.

And this describes the nights- we haven't used an alarm clock in ... oh... 28 days!

James & I in our usual mid-afternoon positiong. Fox decided that he'd had enough of being neglected, so he climbed right up & joined us for a nap.

James hanging out in his swing... he LOVES his monkey friends!

James 20 days

2007-05-05T11:34:00.000-05:00

Daddy's buddy.

Here he is - in all his glory! At our 2 week check-up, (which was actually 18 days), James weighed 8 lbs, 10 oz - an increase from 7 lbs 2oz when he was 8 days old! He grew an inch in length, and an inch in head circumference. He's eating great - every 3 hours most days, although he likes to throw us for a loop sometimes and go 2 1/2 hours or even 2. (those are the days that seem to last forever and i never leave the couch.)

His Aunt Michelle (my sister) was here last week, and his Grammy and Aunt Holly will be here tomorrow. Max goes back to work on Monday - time to see how good I'll be by myself for 8 hours at a time. The days aren't too bad - it's the late evening hours that wear thin after a long day with no naps.

James is getting stronger every day - pushing his head up and turning it from side to side. he loves to look at the ceiling in our living room it's white with black beams on it - just big enough for him to focus on!

2007-04-27T14:04:00.000-05:00

Hanging out with Dad

Saying Goodbye to Grammy - at least for 2 weeks, anyways.

Look! I have a belly button!

This is my preferred way of sleeping. Swaddling attempts be damned.

Chillin' with mom after lunch. Look at how big my cheeks are getting! Mama says I'm "huge."

Hanging out with Dad - I like to feel protected when I'm sleeping.

James William is 12 days old

2007-04-24T13:48:00.000-05:00

At the request of a blog reader, I'm taking a much-needed nursing break to update all on our journey with James.

So far, James hasn't decided to trade us in. Although, there have been moments of serious consideration, especially when dirty diapers or hunger is concerned, and his novice parents are oblivious to his cries. Motherhood is alot harder than I thought it would be, especially after my fanatical reading on the subject. Suprisingly enough, the books don't tell us what to do with our 1 week old who isn't falling asleep at every turn and is actually content to just hang out with his parents. Unnerving, I tell you. =)

Even after just 12 days, we've started to notice how quickly James is growing! his face is filling out - his head control gets stronger every day (or at least, his ability to use his head to propel himself off our shoulder while burping him!), and he's outgrown several outfits already.

Last week, we had our first adventure. When we took James to the pediatrician, we found out that he was dramatically more jaundice (yellow from excess bilirubin - immature liver/breakdown of red blood cells no longer needed now that he can breathe on his own) than he was in the hospital, and they sent out a home health nurse with a "bili bed" - basically, it's the bottom 1/2 of a tanning bed - pure UV rays break down the bilirubin & help his body process it better - that he had to lay on whenever he wasn't eating, getting changed, or being comforted. (turns out, that's how we spend most of our days, 'cause he wasn't on the bed for HUGE stretches of time!) After 2 days of this, his bilirubin count was down to an acceptable amount, and he had started pooping (a great relief for his parents, not to mention his little belly). He also gained 3 oz a day! (normal weight gain is supposed to be 1 oz a day. we're expecting him to start walking any day now!) so what was supposed to be a 2 week wait to return to his birth weight took only 8 days. And he's still eating at the same rate, so we're assuming that his weight gain is still the same rate. we go back to his pediatrician on the 30th, so we'll see how he's doing then.

Max & I are learning how to cope on no sleep. 3 hours of consecutive sleep is a dream. (no pun intended!) We've agreed that taking care of James isn't the hard part - it's managing everything else about life - bills, taking/sending/posting pictures, laundry, cooking, animals, errands, etc. I'm off "no driving" as of tomorrow, so I'm hoping I can get "escape breaks" every once in a while. Mine can't be as long as Max's... by the time I feed James & get him to sleep, I've got about 1 1/2 to 2 hours before he wakes up hungry again.

Grammy (my mom) and Aunt Trudy (Max's sister) were here during his first days - they were a great help with cooking & cleaning, getting us ready for our week alone this week. Aunt Michelle (my sister) will be here friday, and then Grammy & Aunt Holly will be here May 6th. James will get to meet some of his cousins in June (Hendersons) and then Matt, Holly & Lucy will be down later in the summer.

While every day is a new adventure, it also brings another day to fall in love with our son. Today, he imitated me sticking my tongue out at him! he smiles in his sleep, and falls deeply asleep in our arms after a good snack. As max said to the ladies at church - it's amazing how someone so small can change your life so completely & so quickly. Parenting - so far - has been a great partnership with Max. more so than even marriage, it has forced/allowed us to depend on each other, to encourage each other, and to support each other when we're struggling. Max has even contemplated taking a longer paternity break, just 'cause he enjoys being with James so much. I'm grateful that I don't have a job to rush back to (although the income would be nice) - it's allowing all of us to get to know each other at a leisurely rate.

Thanks to everyone for your emails, calls & thoughts/prayers. They're all well received, if not returned immediately.

Much love to all -
Becky, Max & James

This is a video of our first week that I made - the quality's not great, and most of the pictures have been seen before, but it's fun to watch!

12 days... if anyone else is counting

2007-04-11T08:32:00.000-05:00

Well, folks, here we are. Baby Boy is messing with us now. I'll have contractions for a few hours, nothing regular, and then they'll stop. Or, I'll have any number of other labor "predictors"... and then nothing.

After hurrying to get everything ready, we're kinda anxious to finally meet our son. But, I guess he'll come when he's ready, or so they tell me.

Here's the belly shot of the week - actually, taken last week. And, since then, this little guy has dropped, so imagine my belly about 2 cm lower/smoosh-ier. (Is that a word?) We'll take another one, if we can, before we go to the hospital.

365 short days

2007-03-13T09:08:00.000-05:00

In just the past 365 days, my life has turned upside down & round again. As a birthday-reflective journey, travel with me through the past 12 months, if you will.

29th Birthday: March 16: Max & I have been apart for 6 weeks, apparantly on different pages about the future of our relationship. I'm preparing for a date with a friend's friend.

March 18: I'm on said date. Have emailed Max about credit card issues, inquired as to his wellbeing. His reply: I'm miserable.

March 19: I return from date, miserable with torment about Max. Call j.weber (now Stevenson) crying.

March 19: I receive letter from Max, written 1 week ago, mailed on my birthday. Contents: I love you because... I love that you... ... continue for 3 pages.

5 minutes later: I call Max. DAMN voice mail.

2 hours later: We talk, for the first real time in months, probably. Agree that misery is mutual, and that we are finally on the same page. We arrange for him to come to Jackson to visit.

March 21-22: Max is in Jackson. We talk and talk and talk and talk. We start planning our wedding. Finally, Max formally proposes on the way out the door. =)

March - July 22. Wedding planning, culminating in amazing ceremony & entire weekend of family & friends surrounding us with abundant love.

Late May: My parents' divorce is final. Have not talked to father since Christmas '05.

End of June: I leave my job in MS, move to B'ham. Put off finding "real job" 'til after the wedding. Have one serious prospect of job.

Post-Honeymoon: Job falls through. Pregnancy revealed.

August - January : I apply for & interview at many jobs, all of which are futile. Apparantly, everyone finds another employee is better suited than the pregnant woman.

September: I accept job at Hobby Lobby frame shop to pay for health insurance which has now sky-rocketed due to pregnancy.

Late September: Max gets called to accept new position at East Lake UMC due to former pastor's death.

October, November, December: life continues. Belly grows. Baby Boy Blalock will be here April 23. Holidays.

January: New Year's Resolution: quit job at Hobby Lobby, temp until baby is born. Figure out rest later.

January 28: get keys to new parsonage. Start move-in process that will eventually take until Feb. 14 to be complete.

February, March: unpacking, preparing for baby. temping occassionally. baby showers hosted by friends, family, churches. Abundantly showered with gifts from sisters (still getting hand-me-downs after all these years!)

March 10,11: friends painted nursery since I can't and Max was out of town. No ability to wait until post-birthday weekend. Anxiously awaiting dry paint to apply border & set up furniture.

March 15: Non-communicative father makes first contact in 15 months.

March 16: 30th Birthday. 38 days until baby blalock is due. Max has something planned, but I don't get to find out until after work today. Will update later.

I'm really hoping that 30 isn't as tumultuous as 29, or even 28. Hoping that exciting 1st's with our little guy will be the highlight of the year. Hoping for a safe remainder of pregnancy & delivery for myself & other friends who are pregnant.

February Picture

2007-02-22T21:44:00.000-06:00

Here it is - i know you've all been waiting! This picture was taken a week ago, when I was almost 31 weeks pregnant. Scarily enough, I already look different, just one week later. "Billy Bob" has had the hiccups three times today - once when I was in the shower, the 2nd time when I was working this afternoon, and the 3rd time when Max & I were done with dinner. Max commented that his hiccups are as strong as his kicks used to be. I laughed & said - yeah, and now his kicks almost hurt me! For the past week or so, he's found that putting his head down is much more comfortable, which is good for him, but is quite uncomfortable for me. walking upstairs is oh-so-pleasant, and walking up an even slightly sloping hill is enough to keep me wincing the whole time. He's still amazingly active, and I am still amazed at his movements and general being. (I'm also amazed at how tired I get doing absolutely nothing.)

I'm really anxious to meet this little guy face-to-face, and yet I'm really counting on him staying put until mid- to late- april. There's so much to do before he gets here, and at the rate we're going, it'll take us that long just to get the house unpacked, let alone his nursery ready!

Hope everyone is doing well...

I know I wasn't supposed to...

2007-02-11T19:05:00.000-06:00

but I've been checking our baby registries online. Max is taking a nap, and my heartburn prevented me from laying down too much longer with him. (I had already been sleeping for 2 hours!) I came downstairs, started some laundry, contemplated working on the study, and decided to waste some time online. Naturally, I founod myself at our registries. (Our showers are 2 & 3 weeks away).

People have already bought us stuff!!! For some reason, this made me choke up more than looking at wedding registries did. I'm completely overwhelmed at the AMOUNT of stuff that we need for this little boy to come home, and even more frightened at the expense of it all. And that our friends & family, all of whom bought us wedding gifts in abundance last summer, are already purchasing these things to help us welcome our little guy home. (He must have known I was thinking about him, 'cause he started "dancing" when I was looking at the registries!)

I can't wait to decorate & set up his room... I'm "making" us finish the rest of the house first, though, before I get to play nursery. Unfortunately, that doesn't increase my energy level enough to do anything with the boxes of books and other things that need gone through. I've been temping the last 2 days, which has been good for our finances, but tough on my energy. I'm feeling good until I get through rush hour (really, rush 15 minutes) and come home. Then, the tiredness hits & our sofa calls out to me.

... That's all for now. Time to get something done today!

Random Friday Post

2007-01-26T14:37:00.000-06:00

No new news... just taking a break from packing & breaking up cat fights. They obviously can tell that something is going on (what, with all the boxes everywhere) and aren't real sure what to do about it besides fight with each other. I'm really looking forward to having a bigger house with more room for the cats to spread out to their own space.

Had a good check up this week with Jim (OB/GYN). Have only gained 11 pounds so far, which i am carrying ENTIRELY in front of me. I can no longer refer to "my little bump" before Max corrects me that it's no longer "little." This little guy has started to punch & kick simultaneously, which is a fabulously strange feeling.

Move day is next weekend - since it's such a close move, and we don't have a saturday to dedicate to it, we're taking it in phases over a few days. We've got lots of friends with trucks/trailers, so we're hoping we can even avoid renting a Uhaul for the big stuff, of which we have very little. With the parsonage being fully furnished, we're being selective about what we take & where we put it.

Hmmm... okay - that's all for now. My back is starting to hurt more easily these days - packing has been hard on me. I take a break every 30 minutes or so. That seems to help, but lately my breaks have started to be longer than my working sessions. =)

Pictures from January

2007-01-10T22:44:00.000-06:00

These are some pics that we took in the last few days... the first one is (obviously) of our little guy, hanging out w/his feet up. The 2nd one is of me - 25.2 weeks pregnant - as my doc said this morning, almost 70% done! We're counting down the weeks, with many, many things to get done before we're really ready to meet our son. Until then, we're enjoying watching him kick (you can see my belly move if he's really active) and STILL trying to figure out what to name him. Max's newest idea is "Zo" - an african name which I quickly vetoed. We'll come up with something, don't worry!

'til next month (or another free evening when I'm not exhausted)...

It's a...

2006-11-27T22:03:00.000-06:00

Boy!

We found out last monday that our little baby who has been kicking me gently for about a week now is a little boy! I'll post ultrasound pictures when I get them scanned... it was amazing getting to see him moving around & just hanging out with his feet up over his head - had his feet up already, just like his mama. Max & I were speechless the whole time, when we weren't asking questions or saying nonsensical things like "wow" and "look at that!"

No names yet, so we're still having fun coming up with ideas & dreaming about plans for/with our son.

I've finally started to gain weight - hadn't gained a pound until my 18 week appointment, and that was a 6 lb gain since my 16 week appointment. I guess all that extra eating I"ve been doing finally paid off... I thought for sure this little "parasite" would make me waste away to nothing!

I started showing in the past 2 weeks, too. To me, I still look like I just need to lose 10 lbs, but since it's all concentrated in my belly, I've had folks contradict me & tell me that I am a very cute pregnant person. I'll post a belly shot soon... as soon as there's something distinctively "belly" to show. For now, I love my little bump, and show it off whenever I get the chance.

I can't wait to meet this little person inside of me, and experience life as a mom. What a treasure, the responsibility of raising a child. A daunting task if I ever had one. What I love most is that Max & I are doing it together. Sometimes it takes us longer to make a decision, or even implement something we've already decided, but I've learned that the decisions we DO make are amazing. I love being married to him, having a baby with him, and getting to share life with him. It's not always been fun, and it's not easy. But it is so much better than being without him, or even just dating him.

We had friends of ours get married today.

They did it mostly to get military benefits, and acted "like it was no big deal." Max & I were tripping over ourselves trying to convey the "big deal-ness" of a wedding and, even more so, a marriage. We both admitted how immediately we felt a change in our relationship after our wedding, and how our thought patterns changed towards each other.

Here is my nightly prayer for these newlyweds, and for others who have recently gotten married (Julie & Andy) - may you sense the "big deal" of being married, and cherish it and protect it daily. It's not easy, but it's always worth the effort.

In Memoriam

2006-11-27T21:55:00.000-06:00

"Harry"

May, 2003 - November 26, 2006

Loved by Becky & Max and various dog-walkers
Survived by sisters Sally & Molly, friends Cordy, Bandit, Amos, Buddy, Niblett, Shadow, Fox & Buddy.

Harry was our bud. He would rather have spent time with us on walks instead of hunting or digging in the dirt. He had recently learned how to dig into max's pocket for a dog treat if Max was too slow in giving him a treat. He always greeted us (and anyone else walking by the house) as if we had been gone for a week. He was a loyal, if not always obedient, companion. If you so much as looked at him with a cross eye, he would cock his head and look oh-so-pathetic at you, as if he knew what you were even thinking. He loved us, and we loved him.

We will miss you, Harry.

Pictures and apologies

2006-11-06T12:30:00.000-06:00

So... it's been almost 4 months. And even now I have no time to write.

But I thought I'd post this link: http://www.maxandbecky.shutterfly.com - wedding pictures.

And this news:

Baby Blalock is doing well, due April 23. It's our honeymoon keepsake. We'll find out in 2 weeks if it'll be "Billy Bob" or "Lily Bob" - more stories to come on those names. Which, by the way, are NOT options for actually naming our child. Don't worry. I HAVE common sense.

Max & Becky Blalock

2006-07-23T18:12:00.000-05:00

Here's the first of many to come!!! I only got a few digital pics back already, and wanted to post one for y'all to see!

Thanks to all who came, and for all the love & support along the way.

We're North Carolina bound for the week -

more pics to come!

3 days... 3 days...

2006-07-18T22:07:00.000-05:00

I'm not nervous.

People keep asking me (among other questions, which I may blog about later)... if I'm nervous. Am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to be nervous about? That something will go wrong? Beyond someone dying or getting into a car accident or something else life-tragic, anything that goes wrong is fix-able. Or inconsequential.

After living through the year that I've just come through, I'm not nervous about this wedding.

I'm not nervous about marrying Max. I know him, and he knows me. Being together these three weeks only (the longest span of time during which we've seen each other daily in 3 years!) confirmed (not that it was needed) that we are making the right decision. That we truly are good for each other. That we make each other better, and demonstrate graace with each other when it is needed.

I'm not nervous. I can't wait for it to get here. I find myself getting upset when friends tell me that they aren't able to come for any variety of reasons. I want EVERYONE we know & love to share this day with us. This day - this day that no one thought would get here. This day - when Max & I are joined as husband and wife. This day - when we celebrate our heritage, our families, our friends with each other. This day - when we start our lives together - fundamentally being the same, yet being fundamentally different.

I keep trying my wedding ring on. First of all, because I love it! Second, because I keep expecting to FEEL different when I see my hand with it on. Unlike most brides, I have not spent my engagement with an engagement ring. So this ring that I have placed on my finger on Saturday afternoon will be the first and only sign of commitment to Max. The thing is - I don't feel different when I try it on. It's shockingly natural to see my left ring finger with a silver band on it. Making this commitment is natural. (NOTE - I did not say easy. None of this is easy. But, despite the adjustments of fusing a life with someone else, neither Max nor I have doubted our decision.)

We've been writing our own ceremony, and my indicator of what reading/saying I like is simply this: I wait 'til I cry when I read it. If I don't get choked up at least once, it isn't right. Even tonight, Max suggested something. Without a second passing, I got choked up & tears started forming. I simply nodded to him & said - yes. Of course we should do that - it makes me cry. He laughed the other night at such an event & said: "You're going to be a puddle, aren't you?" Holly & Julie - be prepared with kleenex. Maybe I'll hide some at the altar, just to be safe.

'that's enough rambling for now... I got another idea of something else to do! See you Saturday, I hope!

9 days... is anyone else counting?

2006-07-13T08:32:00.000-05:00

A few months ago, a friends' friend in blogdom was getting married. Being of the same reality, I checked her blog regularly, just to see what I should be prepared for in the coming days. I found myself frustrated by her lack of blogging. didn't she know how much i was relying on her help? OH WAIT. I am an anonymous reader. She DIDN'T know.

I, this bride-to-be, have recently been chastised for my lack of blogging of late. As if quitting a job & trying to find a new one so i can pay for said weddng, moving, and planning a wedding weren't enough for some folks.

Along with this chastisement came an admonishment to return to the blogosphere, as I've heard it called. Lest I ramble, let me give a quick update on life in the Trask-Blalock household.

* All 4 cats are actually getting along - - for the most part. the occassional growl is still heard. The claws come out as needed. (As I'm typing this, I had to go break up a hissing match between Shadow (mine) and Buddy (Max's).

*Boxes are still unpacked. Boxes are still (and will remain) in storage until we move - which is dependent on where I get a job.

*Wedding plans are falling into place. If only I could find someone to write the thank you's for me, I'd be set! (Just kidding - I am very appreciative of all that we've been given.)

After spending almost 2 whole weeks together thus far, Max & I are still getting along! It's the longest time during which we've been together every day in 3 years - since he left Kentucky. (Not counting the whole post-katrina living situation. Those were dire circumstances.) My sister & her husband lived together for a year before they got married. I asked them a year later (post-wedding) if their relationship had changed once they got married, expecting a "no, we were together for so long... blah, blah, blah"... imagine my shock when hearing them both say "yes." I thought of this story a couple days ago when I found my self NOT freaking out about something that previously bothered me at max's house. (now my house!) knowing that i'm here (and that he's here) for the duration makes things different. the little things can't be so annoying, cause otherwise i'd be pissed off all the time. and they really didn't matter that much to begin with, after all.

Yesterday morning, amidst all of our running around, Max & I were talking, and he said something to the effect of "You're going to be a wife." and, of course, in return, I said " you're going to be a husband." ... it's amazing how much weight those simple words have. "Getting married" "Bride" "Groom" don't have as much baggage as "husband" "wife" - - to the point that i heard recently of a couple who referred to each other as "bride/groom" because they didn't want to associate themselves or each other with the baggage that comes with "husband/wife." I think labels/titles are really important, and can affect how we function.

I kinda like the labels/titles/nicknames that mak & I have for each other. (sorry for the high self-disclosure, honey)

"Love." "Beautiful."

Getting married is hard work, and it has nothing to do with planning the events associated with it. But, I'm also learning, it's the most wonderful process in the world.

OH MY GOD!

2006-05-26T21:34:00.000-05:00

My wonderful college & Post-college girlfriends sent me the most WONDERFUL bridal shower gift EVER. I mean, we registered for some really cool stuff, but even the quesadilla maker couldn't compare to my brand-new VIDEO IPOD!!!

Here's the origin of such a seemingly odd gift:

Julie (maid of honor, college roommate) came to visit shortly after max & I got engaged. we were talking about ipods - me, probably expressing jealously that she has not one, but two! I mused that I was secretly hoping to get one as wedding present from Max. She commented that it seemed a bit extravagent, and I should be happy with a wedding. =)

Then, unbeknownst to me, the plotting began. She secretly contacted all of my college & post-college girlfriends & had them contribute funds towards "the best bridal shower gift EVER." Conspired with max to arrange delivery and picture taking. (More to come... wanted to do this quickly) Arranged for cards from all girlfriends, and sent it down to bham. I got home to bham tonight & quickly set up camera & gift-opening. Julie said that I should expect the unexpected - i had no idea how right she could be!

Now, the tricky part is this: I was bored at work yesterday, and was looking at apple's website... drooling over their new macbook. I started looking around at their refurbished store, and found an ipod shuffle for 1/2 off. I splurged, and bought it for myself, to help jump-start my working out pre-wedding. I told julie, in my "mac-loving" state of mind, and she calmly responded to me, while sending a mildly frantic email to max.

he he he

now max can have an ipod, too... although, he won't be able to watch episodes of Grey's Anatomy or Sex and the City on his.

To all my girls: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

Of all the wedding gifts to come, none will be as special, meaningful, useful or FUN!

"you're doing it wrong, Dad"

2006-05-26T14:49:00.000-05:00

Every twenty- or thirty-something knows "Mr. Mom." Michael keaton stays home with the kids while his wife goes off to work. It's every feminist's (well, maybe not) dream. In our family, it is the provider of great one-liners, as most movies tend to be.

In this case, the line is simple, but applicable to so many things : 'You're doing it wrong, Dad.'

In context: dad is taking kids to school, cooking dinner, doing laundry, etc. All to which his kids reply "You're doing it wrong, dad." In real-life, can be applied to ANY situation where one person is attempting to do that which another person traditionally does.

Today, I was making copies, attempting to learn how to use our copier-which-is-more-complicated-than-a-computer. After several mistakes which wound up wasting a small tree's worth of paper, I muttered 'You're doing it wrong, dad."

And then, quick as could be, I thought - I can't say that anymore. I don't have a dad.

And then i realized - yes, i still have a dad. He didn't die - they just got divorced. Technically, he is still my father. Emotionally, though, those bonds are not the strongest at the moment.

And why, i have to wonder, is it almost easier to think of my dad as dead instead of just - - as he is currently - - estranged? My sister & I have agreed on this, and honestly, i find it odd.

Maybe it's the finality of death - you can bemoan the way things end without really having to do do anything about them. You CAN'T change things, but you can sound like a bigger person for WISHING you could, even if you don't really want to.

But with this - this... thing. No one's dying. At least, not that we know of. So there's a strange P-A-U-S-E of dealing with things. And meanwhile, the grief is as real as a death. The sadness and the anger are the same. The feeling of betrayal and bargaining with God are still present.

"If it's all just a dream, I'll..."
"If he'll just apologize enough, then things will be fine..."
"I can forgive... really."
"I believe in grace, so now's the time to put my money where my mouth is, right?"

And yet, the pit in my stomach doesn't go away, in fact, it gets worse when I think about trying to forgive. When i try to think about talking to him. When I try to show grace, as I have so often been SHOWN grace.

So, today, I can't forgive. I can't forget. I can't be graceful. I can't hope for a future yet. I can't think fondly on times past. I can't say we'll be stronger. I can't say it's his loss - completely.

'cause whether or not we like to admit it, we all lost. We all lost something different, too. My sisters and I, my mom, my nieces and my nephew, my fiance and my brothers-in-law. Each of us hurting, over one event, in our own different way.

Strangest thing, grief.

Today

2006-05-24T12:41:00.000-05:00

Today, May 24, 2006, my parents' marriage was officially dissolved. Unofficially, it started dissolving January 29. It started disintegrating long before then.

Today, May 24, 2006, is 59 days before Max & I will celebrate the beginning of our marriage. Officially, we got engaged on March 21. Unofficially, it started over 4 1/2 years ago.

It's the strangest damn thing in the world to be part of both processes simultaneously. To think about one marriage starting while watching another one fade away by pieces and chunks. To plan my wedding ceremony while being daily reminded that my first image of marriage is now warped. To think about the husband I want Max to be (and the wife that I want to be) while seeing my first examples vacate those positions.

I cried last night. I haven't allowed myself to cry in a long time. I told myself - you're getting married. don't cry.

So, instead, I snapped at Max when he was trying to be helpful.

And then I realized why I was so crabby - I had realized earlier in the evening that going to sleep meant that today would come. And I didn't want today to be a reality, so I did all that I could to prolong bedtime.

But when the lights were out, and my apartment was quiet, I cried. I cried - this time - because I was thinking about that which will never be: my parents, happy at my wedding day. My papa, walking me down the aisle. Our family picture, complete as it was at Holly's wedding - with the new addition of Lucy, of course - and this time with Max in it, as my husband.

I grieve daily for what we have all lost - my mom, my sisters, my nieces & nephew.

But today, damn it, I started grieving for what my dad lost. He lost the right to be at my wedding. He lost the right to walk me down the aisle. He lost the right to my love. He lost the right to so many things in my life, and in the lives of my sisters and in the lives of his grandchildren and sons-in-law. He lost it, and I have been so angry, I didn't care. I kinda still don't care, because I'm still very angry. But, for the first time, I recognized it as two distinct grieving processes within me.

My sister and I talk alot about our anger and how we deal with it. It's only been 5 months, so I don't expect any of the three of us to have a great handle on things. And, in my nievety, I just wish I could fast-forward through this process. Unfortunately, I know better, and hold on for the ride.

I guess I just wish I could pull up the oar & rest for a while - to put down my anger, to forget how much we've all been hurt, to not have this filter over EVERYTHING I think and do.

and in the silence of what comes, I accept that THIS is my reality, and there is no resting. Brief interludes of peace, but inevitably, it all comes right back to where it started.

Today, May 24, 2006, my parents' marriage was officially dissolved. Today, May 24, 2006, is 59 days before Max & I will celebrate the beginning of our marriage.

2006-05-22T14:31:00.000-05:00

I am...anxious, worried and unable to focus.
I want...life to be simple.
I wish...that I knew then what I know now.
I hate...the way i care about others less when I am hurting.
I love...katie, lauren, julia, andrew & lucy-luce.
I miss...katie, lauren, julia, andrew & lucy-luce.
I fear...something horrible happening to someone i love.
I hear...indigo girls on Media Player, the air conditioner.
I wonder... what it be like to not worry.
I regret... some things, but not for very long - you can't change the past.
I am not good at... responding quickly in conversations/meetings. I need time to think.
I dance...not at all.
I sing...in the car or at home, usually by myself, but now lately, with max.
I cry...alot, lately.
I am not always...nice or happy.
I make...very little. my creativity is limited to wedding preparations right now.
I write...in my blog.
I confuse...my nieces. I've learned it's easier to greet them each with "sweetheart" until I get a grip as to who i'm talking to.
I need...to think about eating lunch.
I should...obsess about my weight less.
I start...cross-stitches.
I finish...reading books.

Responses

2006-05-17T15:44:00.000-05:00

From the Meridian Star...

Prekindergarten not a function of government
I just finished reading an interesting article by G. Edward Griffin about the difference between collectivists and individualists (http://www.freedom-force.org/pdf/futurecalling1.pdf).

Becky Trask (“State should fund ‘PK-3,’” Friday, April 28) is obviously a collectivist. She wants government to solve all our problems. According to her, the state should fund prekindergarten. Why?

All parents are perfectly capable of teaching their children, especially during the preschool years. But Ms. Trask is busy bemoaning the fact that private schools and churches bear the burden of prekindergarten (which was known as day care once upon a time) and that parents bear the expense of prekindergarten (as well they should). According to Ms. Trask, if taxpayers would just fund prekindergarten and put our children’s futures under government control, the world would be a better place. She also wants the government to force parents to send their children to kindergarten.

First off, the state government hasn’t been able to fully fund kindergarten through 12th grade yet. The last thing our public education system needs is more “hands” asking for money. Let’s provide the students already in the system with new textbooks, safe classrooms and teachers before we add additional demands on an overburdened system.

Secondly, parents need to assume responsibility for their children. Every parent is perfectly capable of teaching children their ABCs, how to count, simple addition and subtraction, their colors and how to behave. We don’t need government interference in raising our children.

Those parents who don’t wish to be burdened with raising their own children are “free” to seek day-care providers; they shouldn’t expect taxpayers to pick up the tab.

From the Clarion Ledger

'Pre K-3' program needed in Miss.
I thank Becky Trask for her guest column ("Pre-kindergarten programs will help our children, state," May 8).

I am grateful to find that someone else shares my opinion in that "Pre K-3" should be part of the standard state curriculum for Mississippi.

Many of our disadvantaged kindergartners are beginning school far below where they should be in order to participate fully in a kindergarten program.

Many of these children do not have the advantage of attending a quality early childhood program to provide the positive growth and life experiences necessary to develop crucial language, spatial and motor skills.

A state-regulated "Pre-K" program would provide them guidance from a certified early childhood teacher. They would be read to, play with building blocks, go on field trips, and interact with other children, in addition to having healthy meals.

The federal government should funnel the money from Head Start, which has not achieved the goals it was designed for, into the various state educational systems.

Mississippi's children deserve better. Mississippi can do better.

What I get to do with my job...

2006-05-17T15:41:00.000-05:00

In the Clarion Ledger & Meridian Star... A column I made "local" by adding information as it relates to Mississippi - drafted by the American Forum.

State should fund ‘PK-3’By becky trask / guest columnist
JACKSON — Mississippi does not fully fund K-12 education, nor do we have a comprehensive statewide prekindergarten program. Surely, this is not the best we can offer.

Private schools, nonprofit organizations and churches, and for-profit corporations bear the burden of preparing our children for enrollment in kindergarten and first grade. Parents bear the cost of most prekindergarten programs, which can be more expensive than a college education. In the end, children bear the cost of being ill-prepared for school.

We can begin to fix this by offering quality prekindergarten programming and mandatory kindergarten to all children. But for children to get the most out of growing public investments in early learning, we must align standards, curriculum and assessment from prekindergarten through the early elementary grades. That’s the PK-3 approach.

Research shows that investing in early education programs has a potential return rate of 16 percent by reducing costly grade retention, special-education placements, teen birthrates, crime and incarceration. Thirty-nine states now pay for all or many 3- and 4-year-olds to receive prekindergarten education. Why can’t we?

With 28 percent of our children currently living below the poverty level, we continue to put our state’s future at risk when we do not properly prepare our youngest and most vulnerable children for education success. Simply put, too many of our state’s children do not receive adequate early care and education. The resulting truth is that children across the state are showing up for kindergarten ill-prepared for the task ahead of them.

PK-3 begins with voluntary, full-day prekindergarten for all 3- and 4-year-old children. Compulsory schooling begins in kindergarten with a curriculum that builds on prekindergarten experiences. These experiences include early literacy and numeracy learning, the development of social skills and self-discipline.

Research supports the PK-3 approach. A study reported in the Journal of the American Medical Association tracked 1,500 disadvantaged minority children in Chicago for 16 years. About two-thirds of the children participated in a comprehensive preschool program where standards, curriculum and assessment were aligned with kindergarten through third grade. Called the Child-Parent Centers, these programs were part of the Chicago Public School system. The study found that CPC participants were almost 30 percent more likely to complete high school than a comparison group of equally disadvantaged children. Forty percent fewer CPC participants were held back in school or placed in special education, and CPC participants had 41 percent fewer arrests for violent crime. The study shows that an established government-funded and administered program can generate long-lasting results and benefits such as higher incomes and better citizenship.

The CPC program demonstrates how the PK-3 approach works to improve the literacy and math skills of all children, especially English-language learners and low-income children. The program strengthens children’s social skills and motivation to help them to succeed, reduces the need for special-education services, and reduces the “fade out” effects often found in prekindergarten-only programs.

The PK-3 approach encourages principals to build strong teams of qualified teachers. Teachers are required to have the qualifications, knowledge and skills to teach all grades from prekindergarten through third grade.

Teachers will thoroughly understand the development of the curriculum across grade levels and ages. This enables parents to build long-term relationships with these important adults in their children’s lives. To help qualified teachers make a career of early education, we must pay them what we pay all other elementary schoolteachers.

PK-3 also makes good economic sense. Schools that use the PK-3 approach are more likely to see all children reach fourth grade equipped with the skills needed to learn at a higher level and narrow the achievement gap between groups of children, and meet federal requirements under the No Child Left Behind law. They also improve every child’s chance of graduating high school and becoming productive members of their communities.

PK-3 stimulates the coordination of funding streams and makes more efficient use of state resources for early and elementary education. PK-3 encourages efficiency because it supports the coordination and alignment of prekindergarten with elementary school classes through third grade to ensure a consistent, quality education. Doing so will maximize our children’s potential.

While once thought to be a luxury, we now know that early education is very important for children, families and communities. It’s time to change the way our education system works from the bottom up. We can do this by investing in PK-3 for all our youngest children.

Becky Trask is coordinator of Congregations for Children at the Mississippi Conference of the United Methodist Church.

Melancholy

2006-05-09T11:46:00.000-05:00

I lost a friend recently. Don't worry - she didn't die. She just decided not to be my friend anymore - in defense of another friend.

I am reminded of this every day. Every time I see my email box with no reply to my various emails to her - some personal, some professional. Every time I look at my calendar & see events at which she - in another life - would have been present. Every time I miss her family & company. Every time I look at my wedding guest list, inviting old & new friends to this wonderful event, knowing that this same event is forever linked to what caused me to lose her friendship.

I went on a date with her friend the weekend before Max & i got back together. It was a good date. I had no idea max was "coming around" and I was attempting to get on with my life, knowing - whether or not i admitted it - that i would give him/us another chance as soon as he "came around."

and the date was hurt by the bad timing of life.

and the date eventually came to a "i'm sorry this happened, but i genuinely hope you're happy" moment.

the friend has yet to speak to me.

(max, btw, thinks the whole thing is funny - losing a friend notwithstanding)

i felt bad about it then, and i still feel bad about it now. 'cause every day there's another reminder of what happened.

i wish i could just let go - forget what happened and blissfully plan my wonderful wedding and look forward to my new, wonderful life. (imagine happy melody playing/head-bobbing while reading that sentence... it makes it funnier)

why? why do i find this friendship - new as it was, relatively speaking - so hard to get past? why do i feel the need to continually apologize to someone who was not directly involved? why do i feel the need to beat myself up for marrying max?

i haven't lost a friend in a while. I've let some simmer on the back burner, and let some fade away as life moves on. I haven't been in the situation where someone decides - you have committed an offense so great that I can no longer talk to you or be your friend, and i will not even talk with you about this decision.

a friend of mine recently decided that she was no longer going to be friends with a guy. she told him. they talked about it. and talked about it. and talked about it.

which way is healthier? cold turkey, or belaboring a point?

this much I know: cold turkey hurts like hell. i miss my friend. i miss sharing things with her and gaining wisdom from her boldness. i miss her daughter - a treasure of a child.

so - learn this today - if you are upset with a friend - deal with it. don't shut them out.

my Lucy

2006-05-01T20:24:00.000-05:00

This is the most recent pic of lucy that my sister sent... I can't wait to go home in 2 weeks so I can see "the luce."

She's such a cute baby!

everybody together now...

2006-05-01T15:15:00.000-05:00

on the count of three -

breathe in deeply...

and S - I - G - H.

I got another three month's rental assistance from FEMA. After 3 weeks of "you need to send in this form... No, your computer-generated-very-difficult-to-falsify-invoice from your landlord isn't good enough. Have her sign another, generic-easy-to-falsify form.... What do you plan to do permanently to avoid paying rent/needing our help to do that?" all is finally settled, and in a positive outcome.

When I moved to Jackson, I was pleased that the conference office increased my salary to help with living expenses, but their increase wasn't enough, and my living expenses increased by $700 vs. the $300 increase they gave me. So, every month was going to be squeaking by - until FEMA came through with their rental assistance. And, this month was my 3 month renewal time... which meant I was walking on pins & needles every time I went to the grocery store. I'da been fine until May 10, and from then until the 15th, I would be drinking water & eating cereal., walking or hitching rides to work - esp. with gas prices the way they are.

So, needless to say, I was quite pleased to check my FEMA account to see that I was approved for another 3 months of assistance. Now I can breathe a little easier for the next 3 months. Keep posted mid-july for more breath holding.

Funny thing happened today...

2006-04-23T21:34:00.000-05:00

So, it was 4:00. I was preparing to leave max's house on a typical sunday afternoon. He's at camp, helping with a chrysalis. (young adult retreat-type-thing.) so - it was my turn to walk the girls in his absence. I had done said walking and all girls performed successfully. I was 2/3 of the way done packing the car with clean clothes, computer, toiletry bag, and random other things.

So, on this beautiful sunday afternoon, bandit & cordy were on the porch, currently joined by lady, resident stray border collie. (open for adoption - pics to be coming soon.) Since the girls were on the porch, it requires the porch to be gated with a make-shift security gate. Said gate requires all adults to step over the porch railing from the step landing to gain entrance to the porch, and also upon leaving, to precariously balance on the porch edge (about 3 inches) before shifting weight to the step landing.

(can you see where this is going?)

So, in my anticipation to leave & be home for grey's anatomy (which, BTW, is annoyingly a summary of past episodes), I was in a rush on my last trip out the door. I had a cup full of sweet tea, my curling iron, purse and was heading for home. I had max's key in my hand, ready to place it underneath our secret key-hiding-place. I gave the girls each a treat and stepped over the railing. in my state of rush-ness, i had not tied my tennis shoes. I stepped over with my right foot and then my left. unfortunately, my left foot stepped right on top of my right shoelace. in a moment of bad judgement, I thought - "I can just P-U-L-L my right foot away and step onto the ledge." unfortunately, my shoelace had other plans.

In what seemed like forever, I fell backwards off of the 6-foot high porch.

My thoughts included: "well, fuck."
"so this is what it feels like to fall 6 feet"
"oh shit"
"hope i don't break anything"
"max was the one talking about falling off his porch, and I'm the one who does it."
"did anyone see me?"
"If i was seriously hurt, no one would find me for a while. that kinda sucks."

I landed - with a thud. I don't know what hit first, but my knees and hips hurt, and my back is scractched up from mid-back to waist, from the small bush that greeted me when i landed. my left knee has a yet-to-be-bruise and scrape. my left calf has a L-O-N-G scratch, probably from the porch as I fell. My right knee has a scrape, from ... um.... i don't know. my right fore-arm is pretty banged up, also from injuries unknown. Max thinks i would have thrown my arms out, and possibly banged it on the stair landing as I fell.

all I know is - i'm pretty sore, and there are bruises just WAITING to make their apperanace tomorrow.

is this enough to call in for work tomorrow? I have a 5 hour meeting tomorrow about my current (and soon to be former) project. children's advocates (professionals) are going to be helping us shape our 2007 legislative agenda. something i'll have absolutely no part of. plus, a friend with whom i'm currently at odds with (you'll recall the key incident) is also invited to this meeting, so there's the possibilty that I may see her. this could be awkward. this could be worse than falling off the porch.

so now i'm on my 2nd glass of wine (i found my favorite wine in bham with max this weekend - coppola's pinot grigio - the wine we drunk the week i was home in january with family drama) in hopes that i'll sleep well tonight, despite the pain in laying down & rolling over to find a comfortable space.

on other notes - wedding plans are coming along. i got our flowers ordered this weekend, and found a salon that could possibly handle 6 updo's and 3 makeups for the wedding day. now we just have to handle reception food & i'll feel much better.

plans are coming together

2006-04-17T10:51:00.000-05:00

Well... only 96 days 'til the wedding.

Here's the biggest update so far: My work has cancelled the trip to Zimbabwe, so I will be leaving the conference office on June 30. I'll move to Birmingham that weekend. I'll work part-time with a friend who has a bakery/deli through the month of July. Max & I will take our honeymoon (location yet to be finalized) immediately after the wedding weekend, and I'll start my next job (yet to be found) August 1 or 2, depending on what I find.

Wedding plans are coming along well, seeing as how we've only been engaged for less than a month. It's amazing that something that took us this long to get to can come together so easily.

Wedding Web Site

2006-04-10T21:51:00.000-05:00

Of course, with the laptop at home & no evening entertainment beyond TV & DVD's, i've been in wedding-planning mode for most spare moments. i wont' bore you with the details, but I will share this:

www.theknot.com/ourwedding/beckytrask&maxblalock

you can RSVP, find directions, buy us stuff, sign our guest book, and all kinds of happy cheesy things.

more details to come as we get them figured out!

april 10

2006-04-10T11:13:00.000-05:00

Today is April 10... There are a variety of things that make today special:

Julie visited for the weekend, and left this morning. We had a great visit - relaxed, talked, prepared wedding invitations, talked, drank wine, ate good food, talked, laughed, watched un-censored versions of Sex and the City, talked... did i mention that we talked?
Allie Kate's birthday
2 days before my katie-baby's birthday
first day of another work week
103 days 'til me/max's wedding

Apart from all of those, today is APRIL 10 - THE NATIONAL DAY FOR IMMIGRATION JUSTICE. Protests have taken place all over the country over the weekend, and will continue today. Even now, as I sit in Jackson, MS, I am watching SCORES of hispanic, latino and african immigrants gather across the street at the capital.

They are wearing white (for peace) and waving American flags.

Written on a car: "We came for a better life"

and another "We are NOT criminals"

and a third " we just want justice."

During this week of Holy Week, when Christians contemplate Jesus' last week before the crucifixion, is there a better action to take? To speak out for justice for ourselves and our neighbors, strangers and friends. To demand that America truly be what we say we are: a place where all are welcome to earn & work for their dreams.

I support all those who are peacefully protesting and speaking out for effective immigration reform that will bring justice for all - employers, parents, children and society in general.

and yet - despite all of my theoretical pondering and wise thoughts, i simply want to say -

"Can't we all just get along?"

A Happy Friday

2006-03-31T08:36:00.000-06:00

After many months of attempting to lose weight, exercise & generally be healthier, I did something I haven't done in a while, mostly b/c it's always depressed me.

I tried on my skinny jeans.

Now, for women who have never gained weight without being pregnant, or for men who are unfamiliar with the term, "skinny jeans" are the jeans that all women keep in the hopes of one day fitting again.

Such are the jeans I tried on a few weeks agon in a depression-state-cleaning-my-closet-on-a-friday-night. They went on, but wouldn't zip. i shrugged, took them off, and attributed something else to be depressed about.

i continued wearing the size "--" for the last few weeks, noticing (joyfully) that they were getting REALLY baggy & that wearing a belt was no longer optional.

This morning, I had a glimmer of the jeans when I was packing for my weekend in bham. I had already gotten dressed in the baggy jeans, and was turning around for a belt when the thought struck me - i might could fit into my jeans now.

so i kicked off my shoes, shimmied out of my jeans, and shimmied into the new ones.

THEY FIT.

They fit so well, I actually had to check the tag to make sure that they were in fact the Skinny Jeans, not a misplaced pair of baggy jeans.

I am delighted beyond all normal clothing standards for casual friday at work.

see post 2/16/05 for original jean drama.

Note to Self...

2006-03-29T11:38:00.000-06:00

If you get into a fight with a friend who has your spare house key, make sure to make arrangements to pick up said key. It may happen that your now ex-friend chooses to mail your spare house key back to you through the postal service. It may happen that someone less-than-upstanding will rip a hole in the envelope and steal your house key, only after taking a glance at the address on the envelope. It may happen that you have to call your landlord at 5 pm for an emergency lock change - for a minor fee of $25 and an evening of anxiety over who might try to come through the door when you're calmly watching reruns of Sex and The City.

Introducing....

2006-03-27T15:22:00.000-06:00

Max & I celebrated our engagement by going to Florida for the weekend! He officiated at a wedding on Saturday for a young couple from his hometown, and I got to tag along for the weekend. It was a lovely wedding on the beach near Panama City, and the reception was just off the beach in a small coastal town. It was simply beautiful - if a little chilly given the march winds. It was a fun weekend to kick off our own wedding & marriage planning.

The Best Part...

2006-03-23T09:17:00.000-06:00

The best part about getting my best friend back...

is getting to marry him!

Becky & Max
July 22, 2006

4 years ago tomorrow

2006-03-15T09:29:00.000-06:00

In addition to tomorrow being the National Day of Becky's Birthday, it is also the anniversary of my Grandad's death. I was thinking about that this morning as I drove into work, sad for a variety of reasons - this anniversary being just one of them. I remember my Grandad (Robert Schrum to other people) as a wonderful, kind man. These are memories I have of him - some are of he and my Grandma Emily - she passed away 14 years ago, but her birthday would have been next week.

- always left the back door of their house unlocked, and when we walked in, Grandma would ALWAYS say : "Robert, I knew we should have locked that door."

- always had a cup of gum in her upper cupboard - usually big red

- Grandad always carried hard candy in the glove compartment of his Oldsmobile. and it was ALWAYS an Oldsmobile.

- hated driving at night, and hated driving on the interstate. could get around just fine on the back roads, even from youngstown, Ohio to Cleveland, Ohio

- Grandad always called me Becky-boo (to this day, my favorite nickname that anyone can utter)

- After I left home for college, but would be home on breaks, when Grandad called the house & I happened to answer the phone - would ask - "Well, Becky-Boo - what are you doing there?"

-would go through the litany of sons-in-law when he talked to any of them on the phone. "Dave, Ron, Mark"

-always referred to his great-granddaughter, Katie - as "shelley's little girl" even though we hadn't called my sister Shelley since she was 14 and Katie was by that point 10 or 11.

-wore grey so regularly that it's now a family phrase "Bob Schrum Grey"

-loved his kids passionately, even though he didn't always know how to say it - he'd do anything for them and they knew it without a doubt.

Here's to you, Grandad. We still love you.

Edited on 3/16: More memories that have come since this first posted:
- I wear my grandmother's birthstone ring on my right ring finger. i wear it every day to remind me of the strength I inherited from the women in my mother's family - the schrums, the boyers and all of the names that have come since and before. These are strong women who have endured trials and trials - and endured them with grace and strength to pass on to me & my sisters and my cousins and our children's children.

I wear Emily Boyer Schrum's ring with pride and joy, and I think of her very much on days like this. Some of her children have been through very trying circumstances since she left us, but they have done her proud in the way they have managed their lives. Here's to you - mom & Aunt Barb... for standing up for yourselves with the strength you inherited and embody daily.

Even many years after grandma died, every conversation with grandad would involve something like this: " I sure do miss your grandma/mom." "We know, grandad/dad. we miss her, too." So here's to you, Robert & Emily. Thanks for the legacy and the love.

As a wise woman once said...

2006-03-14T09:42:00.001-06:00

I demand Big, Season Six.

Not Season One when things were just starting and great.

Not even Season Two when things were "different" but he wound up moving to Paris, anyways.

Season Six. Specifically, the very last episode.

I deserve it and demand it and refuse to settle for anything less...

than butterflies.

Carrie: "I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love. "

Big: "It took me a really long time to get here, but I'm here. Carrie, you're the one."

Carrie: ""Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

Congregations for Children

2006-03-13T16:02:00.000-06:00

This is my newly-redesigned webpage for my work... thought I'd brag on what me & frontpage did last week.

Congregations for Children

Happy Becky's Birthday Week

2006-03-13T10:12:00.000-06:00

I would like to wish everyone a Happy Becky's Birthday Week. It is celebrated annually March 13-17... any & all days are appropriate to wish Becky a "Happy Early Birthday" or "Happy Birthday" or "Happy Belated Birthday" - as is appropriate to the day. The actual day - as you all know - is Thursday, March 16. This COULD turn into "29 and holding" - but I believe this will be my last twenty-something birthday... I'm almost officially old.

2006-03-11T16:08:00.000-06:00

I bought & hung a hammock in my small patio today... I sat outside for a while today - it was the perfect (in my opinion) way to spend a saturday in march. Imagine - 85 degrees the weekend before my birthday - that NEVER happens in Ohio!

2006-03-11T16:07:00.000-06:00

This is what Fox thinks a suitcase is for.

2006-03-11T16:06:00.000-06:00

I treated myself to fresh tulips the other day - they fully opened this afternoon... aren't they pretty?

Today was a good day

2006-03-06T18:22:00.000-06:00

Despite getting very little sleep last night (note to self - do not take anti-depressant before bedtime. It really does have an immediate impact upon your body's ability to sleep!) - I had a good day today. I checked the status of the bills I'm following in the legislature, I worked on recreating my CFC website, and attended a meeting of other lobbyist-types. It was great - simply because I was greeted when I arrived, and was called upon to speak to a bill that had undergone changes that no one else noticed... and I knew what to say! It was a good moment.

After lunch, however, I became very sleepy. I bought caffeine in the form of root beer to help me through the afternoon (a rare event!)... and kept working. It was a good feeling to still be working at 4:30 and decide that I could go home without feeling guilty for lack of work.

Upon returning home, I discovered 2 (yes - TWO!) gifts in my mailbox - CDs from a new friend in anticipation of a concert next weekend (much excitement) and CDs from an old friend to help expand my music collection. Both contain really different styles of music, and both bring me great joy. I think I might actually just listen to music tonight instead of my usual sitcom-rerun-with-maybe-a-movie-thrown-in evening. I fully intend on catching up on the sleep I missed last night, too. I bought myself two books yesterday (before seeing extraordinary cingular bill) and am 1/2 way done with the first one ... it's one that you just can't put down for it's eerie correlation to your life. The second one is a novel by one of my favorite authors - Jodi Piccoult - "Keeping Faith" - I love her style of writing & it was a complete splurge for me to buy her book instead of waiting for the library or going to a discount book store. ( I think I need to stop splurging one of these days!)

Now, don't get me wrong - there were crappy parts about this day. I found out that I have a $600 deductible on my insurance, so the $400 doctor's bill that I thought would be covered is NOT GOING TO BE COVERED except by yours truly... that sucked. I also realized (thanks to a lovely note from my landlord) that I forgot to pay rent. Yup - kept writing MARCH on my bills/notes/emails, and completely forgot that MARCH 1 due date of rent. So, I had to pay a fee. That did NOT help my "spend as little as money as possible between now and payday" attitude of life right now. Somehow, I thought that having the money in my account meant that it would pay itself, apparantly. And, once it's late, you not only have to pay a fee, you have to pay with a money order. So that meant an emergency trip to Kroger at rush hour on Old Canton Road. I almost died. Fast Car. Turn Lane. You get the picture. I cursed the young fool who was going so fast, and crept home.

Here's wishing everyone a "Happy Becky, Julie, Joran, Brian, Derek and Laurie Birthday Month"

The Cost of Life

2006-03-05T19:23:00.000-06:00

Well, it's official - simply living my life is expensive. In the past month, with all things considered, it's no surprise that my cell phone use has intensified. Now, back in December, my work use of my phone depleted all of my roll over minutes that I had accrued from years with Cingular. However, I have not accomodated my cell phone use to reflect this fact. Imagine my surprise, then, to see a phone bill close to $400. So, my mileage reimbursement from march will NOT go to car repairs (check engine lights' been on for two weeks) or paying off my doctor's bill from last fall. Alas, it will go to my cell phone company. I consider it simply paying for the therapy of talking to friends & family through the last 5 weeks of hell.

Too Funny

2006-03-03T14:18:00.000-06:00

Neologisms
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

A last minute plan

2006-03-03T09:39:00.000-06:00

My friend Allison & I had lunch on Tuesday. She mentioned that she & her husband & other friends were going to the Alison Kraus concert on Thursday night. I exclaimed (not really) that I had wanted to go to that concert, but by the time I found out about it, the tickets were sold out. She said they might have an extra ticket... turns out - they did! so, we (Matt & Allison & Beth, the US-2 who works at The Bethlehem Center with Allison) went out for dinner before the concert at Hal & Mal's - local brewery in Jackson, and then to the concert.

We sat in the 3rd to the last row in the balcony - i think the air was lighter up there, and Alison Kraus & Union Station were merely little shapes on the stage. Facial features were not seen. Body shapes were seen.

It was a WONDERFUL concert - a great mix of acoustic bluegrass music with a blend of Alison singing with male backups, and occassionally one of the male members of Union Station taking the lead with Alison harmonizing. Either way, it was beautiful. For those of you who DON'T know this - Dan -------- (don't know the last name) did the voice overs for George Clooney in O'Brother Where Art Thou... and so we heard "I am a Man of Constant Sorrow" and the encore was an acapella version of "Down to the River to Pray" - which was just haunting.

I was SO thankful for the opportunity to go... this week has turned out to be fairly busy & fairly social, which is a nice change.

3 prescriptions - 15 side effects

2006-03-03T09:35:00.000-06:00

Well, my lovely doctor decided that yes, indeed, my life situation warranted some medical assistance. I now have something to help me re-gain my grip on life, something to help me sleep, and something to help me get rid of this cough that has plagued me since my move to the deep south.

Unfortunately, the combination of starting three new prescriptions on the same day leaves me with all of the "first few days" side effects... all compounded on top of each other. Which means, my heart is beating fast and I'm shaky/nervous from the asthma medicine, and the other two make me queasy whenever my stomach is empty. So waking up this morning was quite an ordeal, as is simply typing this blog. my fingers are trying to goamileaminute and i can't hardly make them stop.

i'll be glad for the help when the side effects diminish, which all of the patient advisory inserts warn me will take just a few days until my body gets used to the medicine.

She's a Twit

2006-03-02T13:54:00.000-06:00

So - I finally had an appointment with the counselor - and, yup - she's a twit. The only thing she could come up with was "things will get better in time" and "read this book" and "get enough sleep/food/exercise/pleasurable activities."

No shit, Sherlock.

I don't think she knew what to do with a Masters' educated woman who cognitively knows what's going on in her life & the processes through which I must travel, yet has very little emotional capacity to do a damn thing about it.

I'll call back & get another referral - I've even got a good name of someone to whom I should be referred. I just wish...

I don't even know what I wish anymore.

... maybe that I could fast-forward through life? Is that an option?

I'm back!

2006-02-25T17:35:00.000-06:00

After many hours on planes, trains & automobiles, I'm back in Mississippi. The conference was great - I spent (along with about 200 other child care advocates) Thursday on Capital Hill, visiting with the staff of MS's congressional representation - yes, you heard right, folks - I met the domestic staff person (in most cases) for Senator Trent Lott, Senator Thad Cochran, Rep. Roger Wicker, Rep. Chad Pickering, Rep Bennie Thompson and Rep. Gene Taylor. Going into the day, I was preparing for my normal "I clam up when around 'important' people." I even warned my colleagues for such an event. Instead, I made the "mistake" of starting to talk about the statistics of child care in Mississippi - things I've learned by doing the advocay workshops around the state. They (colleagues) immediately decided that I was NOT going to be able to remain quiet throughout these 6 meetings. And, you know what - I did a good job. I got more comfortable at the end of the day, so even when talking to the good-looking gentlemen staffer in the last office, I was able to retain my composure and speak clearly about the importance of affordable & quality child care options for ALL families, but most especially for families of low-income. I was quite proud of myself & my colleagues for our message, even when facing 'annoyingly neutral' staffers in our most stubborn congressmen's offices.

For all of you who have NOT spent a day on Capital Hill - GET TO IT!!! It's an experience unlike any other.

A great compliment

2006-02-20T22:13:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine from back home in Ohio - actually, my jr. high boyfriend - emailed me today & offered assistance if I want to move back to Ohio. He selfishly admitted to wanting me back closer to home - that he missed having me around.

I was struck by the honesty with which he spoke, and the healthiness of our relationship - that after all these years of being friends and barely talking - that we're STILL friends and can enjoy each other's company. So many of my guy friends faded away after the "I Do's" - no fault of anybody's, just the way it was. So it was a delight to me to still have this great friend who has been around for SO MUCH of my life - to still be able to admit that he enjoys having me around town.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, but the more folks that tell me they want me in a certain place sure does make me think about things differently.

Off to DC

2006-02-20T22:08:00.000-06:00

It's 10 pm. I have consumed 2 glasses of red wine (Thanks to my brother-in-law, Matt) and am preparing to sleep well. After NOT sleeping well AT ALL last night (thanks to caffeine, an over-active mind, and situationally-appropriate upset stomach)... I am hoping to get a few hours of good sleep in. I have to get up at 4 in the morning to be ready to go to the airport by 5 am in advance of a flight at 6:35 am. My conference in DC starts at 1 pm, so I need to be there by then. (and if you could see how many typo's I've had to correct, you would see the evidence of my two glasses of wine after a night of no sleep.)

I will attempt to blog when I can, but make no promises. I'm staying with friends for the week, which thrills me. They've been kind enough to save my travel account from $180/ night hotel charges.

Hope everyone has a good week - catch ya on the flip side.

A fun Friday night...

2006-02-17T21:47:00.000-06:00

For the first time in a long time, I spoiled myself this week. I bought things for myself that I had needed for a while. Nothing extravagent - a Brita water pitcher to encourage the drinking of water; a new lamp for my bedroom to replace the one that got broken in my move out of Biloxi; a new shower liner; new boots for my trip to Baltimore/DC next week (2 for 1 sale at Shoe Carnival!)

I even - got my hair cut. Now, if you've watched my hair progression for the last 3 years, you'll remember The Haircut From Hell. Yes - even with picture in hand, she still butchered my hair. It took - indeed - 2 years to grow out, and the only way I succeeded in undoing the damage was to grow ALL of it out - one length. I added layers last fall, but even that was a mediocre haircut.

Slightly skeptical of professionals, I skidded in on my high from buying the cute boots on sale. I gave the most vague answer EVER - "something different, but not too dramatic." She pulled out a picture - and i trusted her.

And I am ever glad. I even took a picture of myself with my digital camera (Christmas present to myself) to show you! You can see my cute apartment in the background.

I love this song

2006-02-17T11:27:00.000-06:00

To all those whose hearts have been broken - by families, by lovers, or by friends. Each day is another day to recover and grow stronger.

Southbound TrainWords & Music By Julie Gold © 1994 Julie Gold Music, Administered By Irving Music Inc. (BMI) - recorded by Nanci Griffith

I'm sitting on a southbound train
Staring at the sky
I'm thinking of my childhood
And I'm trying not to cry
While a stranger sleeps against me
And it feels like I'm his wife
Towns and cities flutter past
Like the pages of my life

My heart is on the baggage rack
It's heavy as can be
I wish that I could find someone
Who would carry it for me
Just to pay it some attention
And to handle it with care
Because it has been dropped
And is in need of some repair

Chorus: Some things I know
Some things I guess
Some things I wish that I could learn To express
Like the way that I feel
As I stare at the sky
And I remember your voice
And the sound... of goodbye

Maybe it's the autumn...Chill
Maybe it's the rain
Maybe I should wake the stranger
And ask him his name
But, my eyes they would betray me
And my words could not defend
No, I must learn to wait my turn
Before I love again

the night of no sleep

2006-02-16T16:42:00.000-06:00

Last night, I think there was a conspiracy against me. It was my stomach, my cats, and a stranger - all in it together.

I went to bed relatively early for me - in bed by 10, read until 10:30. I finished off my night with a Frosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon PopTart (r) and a few swigs of tropical punch kool-aid. (it was the only non-alcoholic drink I had in the house!)

at 11:30, my stomach decided that it REALLY didn't like the contents I had swallowed an hour before, and I was up for another 45 minutes trying to convince my stomach that it had really gotten rid of everything the first three trips to the bathroom. (still wobbling on sore legs from exercising 3 days ago, so I bumped into the wall fairly rough on the first trip.)

so, i fell asleep again.

at 2:30, the stranger arrived. He P-O-U-N-D-E-D on my door several times, very quickly. I couldn't get up (again, wobbly) fast enough before he did it again. I even said "coming" and he STILL pounded a third time. By this time, Fox is looking at me like I'm the one committing the "pounding" offense, and Shadow's already at the door, trying to see who's there - 'cause we NEVER get guests.

I opened the door after putting on my robe, and was dismayed to see the Stranger there, smoking something suspicious smelling. He saw my state of dishevel, and almost backed up. He apologized and walked away.

I stumbled back to bed, and fell back to sleep, but not before my stomach could remind me that it wasn't really thrilled with me yet, and I better watch myself.

at 5:00 - 6:00, Shadow made his appearance at the Window. This is a nightly routine I'm trying to discourage him from continuing. He has, until recently, ignored the window in my room. Last weekend, I rearranged the furniture in my bedroom, and all of a sudden, the window (no more noticable than it was before) is his favorite part of the bedroom! I previously kept a sweatshirt there to discourage him from scractching at the bottom where the frame meets the window. It worked until he scratched so much the sweatshirt fell off. THEN - I put my pile of dirty sheets * duvet cover on the floor in similar "window-frame-blocking" position.

However, this only served to ELEVATE him to "now I can reach the mini-blinds" status. And so he did - from 5:00 - 6:00 this morning. He'd walk over, scratch, wake me up. I'd yell, he'd run under the bed, just far enough that I can't reach him from any side of the bed.

Repeat as necessary. I even threw my sudoku book at him once.

To no avail, he continued this trip until 6:00, which, when i saw the sun coming up and my alarm close to going off, i took action. I chased fox out of the room and then threw my pajama pants under the bed at shadow. this worked to get him out of my room. I blocked the bedroom door from any possibilities of scratching (this week, it's a sofa pillow, a blanket and a hat box)... and turned my light off and went back to sleep.

for 30 minutes before JACK FM 94.7 woke me up again.

is anyone EVER surprised when i get to work late after nights like this?

anybody want a blue russian cat? he's REAL sweet, I promise!

Forrest Gump had it right

2006-02-16T15:41:00.000-06:00

One of the phrases that has been stuck in my mind lately (usually when I'm feeling sorry for myself) is this: this isn't the way my life was supposed to go.

Insert any variety of situations I find myself in, and the pity party is off to a great start.

3 days ago, my valentine - 6 year old Allie Kate - gave me a box of chocolates. My only valentine gift, if you don't count the valentine card from "my babies" in ohio. I was grabbing a chocolate last night as I was reheating my macaroni & cheese for dinner, bemoaning the fact that the chocolates didn't come with a "guide" to tell me which ones had good stuff inside & which ones i'd be happier avoiding.

and then it hit me - DAMN. Forrest Gump was right. life IS like a box of chocolates: you never know what you're gonna git.

and as much as i didn't want to admit it, it was kinda fun taking the risk of grabbing the first chocolate my hand landed on, and biting in with all my energy as if i knew exactly what i was getting. and you know what, it wasn't what i would have chosen, but i chewed it up, made a sour face, and got on with life.

Darn, I missed it!

2006-02-16T09:46:00.000-06:00

I just found out that MPB (Mississippi Public Broadcasting) played a segment of My First Press Conference this morning on Morning Edition. It was a short segment, but they played part of ME speaking! The tech guys haven't archived it yet, but when they do, I'll post the link here.

Update: HE HE HE... I'm on the radio!!! http://www.mpbonline.org/news/local-news/0602-archives/documents/060216-kelly-katrinakids.mp3

hard things

2006-02-15T14:52:00.000-06:00

i just called our EAP program to get referred to a counselor.

Damn, it's hard to admit i can't deal with life by myself.

My First Press Conference

2006-02-15T14:18:00.000-06:00

Today, I was part of a press conference to speak out against FEMA's decision to discontinue payment for hotel rooms for Katrina evacuees. I was there specifically on behalf of the United Methodist Church, and since our Bishop couldn't be there, I was the next-bext-representative.

GOLLY! (yes, i'm southern now)... I was nervous. But, not 'cause I was unsure of myself or the cause. I knew I was with a group of women (plus one guy!) who were equally committed to justice, and being in such a crowd alleviates fears. I only stumbled a few times over my words - more so when I was speaking to the person from Mississippi Public Broadcasting. microphones make me nervous.

My speech: (i don't speak very well w/o notes, so this was my prepared remarks... actual content may have changed in light of the microphones in my face and the video camera/MPB reporter standing in front of me)

In the gospel accounts of jesus’ life, we are given many accounts of jesus’ love for children and his respect for persons who are the outcasts of society: the widow, the inmate, the orphan, the leper, and especially the child. It was to these people that jesus paid special attention and showed extraordinary care.

We are all familiar with the scripture in which Jesus challenges his followers to see his own likeness in what he called “the least of these” – persons who are hungry, in prison, sick, or naked.

Hurricane Katrina brought to light the outcast in our modern society: persons who are poor, persons who cannot afford their own method of evacuation, and people who have been forced to live in a hotel for the past 6 months.

It would be very easy for us as a community of faith, and individually, as people of faith, to leave these decisions to the folks in Washington, and even to the folks right down the street.

However, we have been given the moral responsibility and calling to speak out on behalf of the least of these in our own state. As United Methodists, we are urged by our heritage and discipline to work for justice on behalf of others. As people who follow the example set by Christ, we are called to create a world in which all children are empowered and enabled to grow up into the people God created them to be. For us, that means having a good school to attend, having a safe home in which to live, having food to eat when they’re hungry, having medical care when you’re sick, and having safe neighborhoods in which to play.

It is important that we continue to work for justice on behalf of God’s children in our midst, and for God’s children whom we will never meet. For if we truly believe that we are all God’s children – equally loved and cherished, then there is much work to be done – by all of us.

The worst part

2006-02-15T11:25:00.000-06:00

The worst part about losing your best friend is ... losing your best friend. The very time I need to talk to you is the same time I can't. That is the cruelest trick of all.

my thoughts on Asbury Revival

2006-02-10T11:17:00.000-06:00

There is, as of Monday, a revival breaking out at my alma mater, Asbury College. I will be the first to admit that I have changed since my days at Asbury, and this revival prompted me to think about those changes & how they affect my faith. This commentary was an email dialogue with a friend about my thoughts on Asbury's revival. I recognize that it may offend some classmates, but I offer it as my thoughts, and mine alone.

www.asbury.edu

...I think there was pressure when I was there (95-99) for a revival. (there was one in 1970 that apparently no one can let go of as the only sign of god's presence on the campus)

So I think it's been wanted - a public, outpouring of emotion and "disrupted life." When students don't go to classes & food has to be brought in.

But I also know how "group think" is very dominant there, and peer pressure applies to good things, too. Even young adults are susceptible to this.

I am skeptical, for mostly one reason: when we (seekers '99) were at our sophomore retreat, "revival" broke out after our Saturday night service. Folks cried, everyone stood around each other, praying & crying & "seeking" god. (in quotes 'cause that was the theme of the weekend)...

I stood there, in the midst of it all like a good classmate, thinking - I have to go to the bathroom, and I can't leave, 'cause people are touching me, and THEY'RE probably having a REAL religious experience, and I'm not really sure what the big deal is about.

And we were warm & fuzzy and "in awe of god" for about a month. And then life got back to normal, and the revival that was the sophomore class faded as we realized we still had to go to class & be young adults dealing with life.

One of the only quotes I agreed with was this: "People kept saying, 'It doesn't matter if this ends in five minutes, what matters is what we do when we leave here-how this changes us.' God has become real to me and I have a responsibility and a gift to take and share with the world."

But I think their perspective is one of evangelism and salvation, whereas I now understand the gift of God to share with the world is love-in-a-grace-type-of-way, not "repent and ye shall be saved so you can go to heaven with the rest of us" type of way.

The responsibility I see that comes from revival is prayers for justice, prayers for work on behalf of the lives that people are living, not ultimate concern for where they will spend eternity. (I guess my fear of hell has diminished greatly in 10 years.)

I think it's great that folks are sensing God's spirit and responding to it, but I don’t believe that that's a sign that God WASN'T there, or that they weren't responding before. A friend is travelig great lengths to go to Wilmore today to be a part of this. She actually said - "if the Holy Spirit won't come to me, I'll go to where he is." That made me sad, that we've associated emotions & feelings with the presence of God & the Holy Spirit. Do we not really believe "lo, I am with you always?" anymore? Do we have to have an emotional high to believe that God loves us? To believe that we have a gift for the world and a responsibility to that world? To understand the presence of the holy spirit is one that interprets our groanings and interprets our prayers for the Lord is one (for me) that doesn't require a lot of emotional connection - in fact, I trust heavily that even though I can't FEEL anything right now (shock of my current situation, I think)... I have to trust that God is as with me now as God was with me before, and I try to take comfort in that. I have to trust that the Holy Spirit hears my cries during the night and during the day, and senses the hurting in my soul, and somehow, those are turned into prayers for my current situation in life. I HAVE to trust that even though I can't pray for myself right now, the prayers of others are working in the mysterious ways that things like that happen.

I guess my question comes down to this: can we personally KNOW/FEEL/BELIEVE the presence(constant companionship) of God without an emotional high? Without the chapel revival or the campfire prayers? Without the summer camp alter call or the baptism in the lake?