Melancholy

I lost a friend recently. Don't worry - she didn't die. She just decided not to be my friend anymore - in defense of another friend.

I am reminded of this every day. Every time I see my email box with no reply to my various emails to her - some personal, some professional. Every time I look at my calendar & see events at which she - in another life - would have been present. Every time I miss her family & company. Every time I look at my wedding guest list, inviting old & new friends to this wonderful event, knowing that this same event is forever linked to what caused me to lose her friendship.

I went on a date with her friend the weekend before Max & i got back together. It was a good date. I had no idea max was "coming around" and I was attempting to get on with my life, knowing - whether or not i admitted it - that i would give him/us another chance as soon as he "came around."

and the date was hurt by the bad timing of life.

and the date eventually came to a "i'm sorry this happened, but i genuinely hope you're happy" moment.

the friend has yet to speak to me.

(max, btw, thinks the whole thing is funny - losing a friend notwithstanding)

i felt bad about it then, and i still feel bad about it now. 'cause every day there's another reminder of what happened.

i wish i could just let go - forget what happened and blissfully plan my wonderful wedding and look forward to my new, wonderful life. (imagine happy melody playing/head-bobbing while reading that sentence... it makes it funnier)

why? why do i find this friendship - new as it was, relatively speaking - so hard to get past? why do i feel the need to continually apologize to someone who was not directly involved? why do i feel the need to beat myself up for marrying max?

i haven't lost a friend in a while. I've let some simmer on the back burner, and let some fade away as life moves on. I haven't been in the situation where someone decides - you have committed an offense so great that I can no longer talk to you or be your friend, and i will not even talk with you about this decision.

a friend of mine recently decided that she was no longer going to be friends with a guy. she told him. they talked about it. and talked about it. and talked about it.

which way is healthier? cold turkey, or belaboring a point?

this much I know: cold turkey hurts like hell. i miss my friend. i miss sharing things with her and gaining wisdom from her boldness. i miss her daughter - a treasure of a child.

so - learn this today - if you are upset with a friend - deal with it. don't shut them out.