semi-serious. casual readers be warned

I get mad.

I get sad.

I get overcome with emotion and I have to 'check out' before i drown.

seeing my son in a browns outfit.

watching the tribe make it to the play-offs.

thinking about my family.

thinking about the future.

I get so mad at my father for the choices he made & how they affect our family. How they affect me. How they affect my son, whom he has never (and won't, as of now) even met.

'cause i know that my dad, for all his faults, would love to have another grandson. I know that he would love the pictures of him in browns' gear & tribe stuff. and i know, that for all his failures as a father & husband & grandfather, his grandkids never knew that he sucked. (they figured it out, though.) ... and for infants, he was a sucker. loved 'em like there was no tomorrow.

and it pisses me off that james won't know that. that he won't have that.

...

I was cleaning out a box of things that my mom packed up for me when they sold their house. somehow, i received the late-80s family church picture. we were so happy. all smiley & shit.

i also found college pictures.

and every one of them, i mentally do the math - without even making a conscious effort.

"let's see... that was in 1999. That means he had been "insert thought" for "insert years." ..." and so on.

so every memory, every thought is warped. Everything that was good is tainted. Everything that was hopeful, everything that was promising, is soured. I think of my college graduation - i remember hearing my mom tell me that my dad was bragging on me to everyone, 'cause he was so proud to have a college graduate for a daughter.

but now, it's a mockery. it's all a mockery.

... i don't know how to move past this. i don't know how to forgive this. forget - that's not even an option. i'd just like to stop feeling so much about it. to stop hurting so much that i physically feel this in my bones. to feel betrayal and disappointment so deeply - i can taste it. to know how much pride i feel in james, and assume that my father felt the same about his daughters & grandchildren, and walked away from it all. and has never fought (or even simply asked) for a chance to have it back.

... and there's the question - under what circumstances would i give it to him? he's attempted contact with me. he's passively tried. why isn't that enough to make me respond? why don't i take the opening? what am i waiting for? will anything he does be enough?