Yup - still hard to cope with life

After two months, I find myself thinking that I should be over that whole "hurricane-thing." After attempting to process with a friend recently, she even asked "what I was sad about." That kinda jarred me into thinking - "do you even HAVE to ask?" I refrained, and said something like - "well, you know, all of the things I've lost and all that's changed in my life lately." Knowing that spilling my guts wouldn't produce the cathartic cleansing I needed, I accepted her encouragement to seek counseling, and moved the conversation along.

Which leads me to this statement:

2 months is not long enough, no matter how one was affected by the storm...

for me - two months is enough time to have gotten busy at work, found a place to live, and settle in - only to realize that the end of the year is coming - the end of my committment to the Conference office - the end of settled.

I have to decide - where am I going? Back to the coast? Birmingham? Somewhere new?
Why am I going there?
what will I do?

I still have to make myself get out of bed each & every day. Shadow's encouragement to get up & feed him only forces me further under my oh-so-comfortable down comforter. I have to focus to keep working for longer than an hour, although I am able to make it through most days with out getting swamped by a wide-open tear in my soul/heart.

I am grateful to have a job right now, esp. one that brings me such meaning and fulfillment. However, it takes a lot of energy to not want to empty my non-existent savings account to help every person I hear about on the coast, still living in a tent or in a moldy house.

I wonder - would it be easier to walk away from it all? Is my heart so tied to Biloxi that I couldn't move on until things are more settled with Moore Community House? With Congregations for Children? Is my calling to stay, or to allow myself to heal - and leave? is part of my healing to be found in the staying?

During the week, i can keep busy enough to forget.

But Sundays - oh - sundays. The day that lasts forever. The silence of shadow sleeping behind me on the sofa as I cross-stitch the newest project. The sadness creeps in, under the door and around my apartment, so quietly that I don't notice it until it's square on my lap - taking up residence for another few days, until I can "busy" it away.

I am restless and bored. I am tired and anxious. I am lazy and full of ideas. I am content, but ready for January - just so I know what will happen with my life. I am grateful and angry. I am confused and scared.


***Note to readers: I am not depressed. I am not falling INTO depression. I write what I feel, when I feel it. That happened to be a reflective monday. Things are better some days than others, just like for everyone else dealing with post-katrina life.

How???

How does my heart keep beating when so much of it is in Ohio? I don't understand.

Can you believe this beautiful baby? She's 12 weeks yesterday - 10 lbs, 8 oz - a far cry from the 4 lb 13 oz preemie that she was when I last saw her. I intend on spending all of Thanksgiving Holiday holding her & kissing on her & playing with - trying to imbed SOME memory of "the aunt that lives far away"

I am so proud of my sister & her husband for being the amazing parents that they are - I always KNEW they would be good parents, just by who they are, but seeing it lived out just confirms my beliefs. "my Lucy" is in good hands, and I am fully confident that she will grow up to be everything I ever wished for her to be.