Today

Today, May 24, 2006, my parents' marriage was officially dissolved. Unofficially, it started dissolving January 29. It started disintegrating long before then.

Today, May 24, 2006, is 59 days before Max & I will celebrate the beginning of our marriage. Officially, we got engaged on March 21. Unofficially, it started over 4 1/2 years ago.

It's the strangest damn thing in the world to be part of both processes simultaneously. To think about one marriage starting while watching another one fade away by pieces and chunks. To plan my wedding ceremony while being daily reminded that my first image of marriage is now warped. To think about the husband I want Max to be (and the wife that I want to be) while seeing my first examples vacate those positions.

I cried last night. I haven't allowed myself to cry in a long time. I told myself - you're getting married. don't cry.

So, instead, I snapped at Max when he was trying to be helpful.

And then I realized why I was so crabby - I had realized earlier in the evening that going to sleep meant that today would come. And I didn't want today to be a reality, so I did all that I could to prolong bedtime.

But when the lights were out, and my apartment was quiet, I cried. I cried - this time - because I was thinking about that which will never be: my parents, happy at my wedding day. My papa, walking me down the aisle. Our family picture, complete as it was at Holly's wedding - with the new addition of Lucy, of course - and this time with Max in it, as my husband.

I grieve daily for what we have all lost - my mom, my sisters, my nieces & nephew.

But today, damn it, I started grieving for what my dad lost. He lost the right to be at my wedding. He lost the right to walk me down the aisle. He lost the right to my love. He lost the right to so many things in my life, and in the lives of my sisters and in the lives of his grandchildren and sons-in-law. He lost it, and I have been so angry, I didn't care. I kinda still don't care, because I'm still very angry. But, for the first time, I recognized it as two distinct grieving processes within me.

My sister and I talk alot about our anger and how we deal with it. It's only been 5 months, so I don't expect any of the three of us to have a great handle on things. And, in my nievety, I just wish I could fast-forward through this process. Unfortunately, I know better, and hold on for the ride.

I guess I just wish I could pull up the oar & rest for a while - to put down my anger, to forget how much we've all been hurt, to not have this filter over EVERYTHING I think and do.

and in the silence of what comes, I accept that THIS is my reality, and there is no resting. Brief interludes of peace, but inevitably, it all comes right back to where it started.

Today, May 24, 2006, my parents' marriage was officially dissolved. Today, May 24, 2006, is 59 days before Max & I will celebrate the beginning of our marriage.