Almost 3 months!

In a brief moment, while James sleeps & before I head to "nappy's house" myself, some reflections on the past three months:

I know what an aspirator is, and I'm not afraid to use it. I know the benefits of mylicon drops, and I fear overuse.

I sometimes wish there was a baby sleeping pill.

I sometimes wish there was a "magic action" that would make James go to sleep better. Naps - in his opinion - are evil. (Bedtime, however, doesn't fall into this category. Maybe it's cause I nurse him to sleep at night, but during the day he eats AFTER he wakes up. I could be making this harder on myself.)

I wait 15-30 minutes after James goes down for a nap or to bed, to see if he wakes up. If he DOESN'T wake up, I proceed to curse & regret having not spent those minutes either doing something or sleeping. Happens daily, and yet I can't break the pattern. (Even now, these minutes of typing are my "let's see if he wakes up before I let myself fall asleep" minutes.)

Seeing my son smile, talk & laugh makes up for (just about) every minute of frustration, every poopy diaper, and every moment of crying.

Seeing my son cry breaks my heart, especially when he's crying because of something I've done. (even if it's for his own good, like teaching him how to nap in his crib or comfort himself when he wakes up early)

I'm beginning to believe that I'm actually a good mother.

Watching James learn things is amazing. Today, I taught him how to pull himself up from laying down by holding onto my fingers. (After a week of saying "bring your head" - it's great to see him actually remember to do it!) After a few moments of laying down, he tenses his neck & brings his knees forward, ready to be lifted up... and then sits up for a few minutes, and then throws his head back, ready to lay down again for a break. we must have done this for about 30 minutes this evening, and he never tired of it. It was absolutely amazing. I have video - will post soon.

I'm getting better at asking for & letting people help me.

I love watching other people love & care for my son.

I get protective when I see James getting overstimulated by people talking at him incessantly. I get pissed off when people - upon seeing that he's sleeping in my arms - insist that patting him on the back repeatedly is the best way to express their greeting.

at the same time...

I sometimes wish I worked outside the home so someone else would do naps, all day dirty diapers, and crying fits.
I thought - for a brief moment - about what my life would be like without James.
I sometimes wish I had a nanny.

and then...
I was nursing James and he stopped, looked at me, and smiled. I fell in love all over again, and my heart melted into the body of this little three month old that can in a moment make me cry and laugh at the same time.