OH MY GOD!

My wonderful college & Post-college girlfriends sent me the most WONDERFUL bridal shower gift EVER. I mean, we registered for some really cool stuff, but even the quesadilla maker couldn't compare to my brand-new VIDEO IPOD!!!

Here's the origin of such a seemingly odd gift:

Julie (maid of honor, college roommate) came to visit shortly after max & I got engaged. we were talking about ipods - me, probably expressing jealously that she has not one, but two! I mused that I was secretly hoping to get one as wedding present from Max. She commented that it seemed a bit extravagent, and I should be happy with a wedding. =)

Then, unbeknownst to me, the plotting began. She secretly contacted all of my college & post-college girlfriends & had them contribute funds towards "the best bridal shower gift EVER." Conspired with max to arrange delivery and picture taking. (More to come... wanted to do this quickly) Arranged for cards from all girlfriends, and sent it down to bham. I got home to bham tonight & quickly set up camera & gift-opening. Julie said that I should expect the unexpected - i had no idea how right she could be!

Now, the tricky part is this: I was bored at work yesterday, and was looking at apple's website... drooling over their new macbook. I started looking around at their refurbished store, and found an ipod shuffle for 1/2 off. I splurged, and bought it for myself, to help jump-start my working out pre-wedding. I told julie, in my "mac-loving" state of mind, and she calmly responded to me, while sending a mildly frantic email to max.

he he he

now max can have an ipod, too... although, he won't be able to watch episodes of Grey's Anatomy or Sex and the City on his.

To all my girls: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

Of all the wedding gifts to come, none will be as special, meaningful, useful or FUN!

"you're doing it wrong, Dad"

Every twenty- or thirty-something knows "Mr. Mom." Michael keaton stays home with the kids while his wife goes off to work. It's every feminist's (well, maybe not) dream. In our family, it is the provider of great one-liners, as most movies tend to be.

In this case, the line is simple, but applicable to so many things : 'You're doing it wrong, Dad.'

In context: dad is taking kids to school, cooking dinner, doing laundry, etc. All to which his kids reply "You're doing it wrong, dad." In real-life, can be applied to ANY situation where one person is attempting to do that which another person traditionally does.

Today, I was making copies, attempting to learn how to use our copier-which-is-more-complicated-than-a-computer. After several mistakes which wound up wasting a small tree's worth of paper, I muttered 'You're doing it wrong, dad."

And then, quick as could be, I thought - I can't say that anymore. I don't have a dad.

And then i realized - yes, i still have a dad. He didn't die - they just got divorced. Technically, he is still my father. Emotionally, though, those bonds are not the strongest at the moment.

And why, i have to wonder, is it almost easier to think of my dad as dead instead of just - - as he is currently - - estranged? My sister & I have agreed on this, and honestly, i find it odd.

Maybe it's the finality of death - you can bemoan the way things end without really having to do do anything about them. You CAN'T change things, but you can sound like a bigger person for WISHING you could, even if you don't really want to.

But with this - this... thing. No one's dying. At least, not that we know of. So there's a strange P-A-U-S-E of dealing with things. And meanwhile, the grief is as real as a death. The sadness and the anger are the same. The feeling of betrayal and bargaining with God are still present.

"If it's all just a dream, I'll..."
"If he'll just apologize enough, then things will be fine..."
"I can forgive... really."
"I believe in grace, so now's the time to put my money where my mouth is, right?"

And yet, the pit in my stomach doesn't go away, in fact, it gets worse when I think about trying to forgive. When i try to think about talking to him. When I try to show grace, as I have so often been SHOWN grace.

So, today, I can't forgive. I can't forget. I can't be graceful. I can't hope for a future yet. I can't think fondly on times past. I can't say we'll be stronger. I can't say it's his loss - completely.

'cause whether or not we like to admit it, we all lost. We all lost something different, too. My sisters and I, my mom, my nieces and my nephew, my fiance and my brothers-in-law. Each of us hurting, over one event, in our own different way.

Strangest thing, grief.

Today

Today, May 24, 2006, my parents' marriage was officially dissolved. Unofficially, it started dissolving January 29. It started disintegrating long before then.

Today, May 24, 2006, is 59 days before Max & I will celebrate the beginning of our marriage. Officially, we got engaged on March 21. Unofficially, it started over 4 1/2 years ago.

It's the strangest damn thing in the world to be part of both processes simultaneously. To think about one marriage starting while watching another one fade away by pieces and chunks. To plan my wedding ceremony while being daily reminded that my first image of marriage is now warped. To think about the husband I want Max to be (and the wife that I want to be) while seeing my first examples vacate those positions.

I cried last night. I haven't allowed myself to cry in a long time. I told myself - you're getting married. don't cry.

So, instead, I snapped at Max when he was trying to be helpful.

And then I realized why I was so crabby - I had realized earlier in the evening that going to sleep meant that today would come. And I didn't want today to be a reality, so I did all that I could to prolong bedtime.

But when the lights were out, and my apartment was quiet, I cried. I cried - this time - because I was thinking about that which will never be: my parents, happy at my wedding day. My papa, walking me down the aisle. Our family picture, complete as it was at Holly's wedding - with the new addition of Lucy, of course - and this time with Max in it, as my husband.

I grieve daily for what we have all lost - my mom, my sisters, my nieces & nephew.

But today, damn it, I started grieving for what my dad lost. He lost the right to be at my wedding. He lost the right to walk me down the aisle. He lost the right to my love. He lost the right to so many things in my life, and in the lives of my sisters and in the lives of his grandchildren and sons-in-law. He lost it, and I have been so angry, I didn't care. I kinda still don't care, because I'm still very angry. But, for the first time, I recognized it as two distinct grieving processes within me.

My sister and I talk alot about our anger and how we deal with it. It's only been 5 months, so I don't expect any of the three of us to have a great handle on things. And, in my nievety, I just wish I could fast-forward through this process. Unfortunately, I know better, and hold on for the ride.

I guess I just wish I could pull up the oar & rest for a while - to put down my anger, to forget how much we've all been hurt, to not have this filter over EVERYTHING I think and do.

and in the silence of what comes, I accept that THIS is my reality, and there is no resting. Brief interludes of peace, but inevitably, it all comes right back to where it started.

Today, May 24, 2006, my parents' marriage was officially dissolved. Today, May 24, 2006, is 59 days before Max & I will celebrate the beginning of our marriage.

I am...anxious, worried and unable to focus.
I want...life to be simple.
I wish...that I knew then what I know now.
I hate...the way i care about others less when I am hurting.
I love...katie, lauren, julia, andrew & lucy-luce.
I miss...katie, lauren, julia, andrew & lucy-luce.
I fear...something horrible happening to someone i love.
I hear...indigo girls on Media Player, the air conditioner.
I wonder... what it be like to not worry.
I regret... some things, but not for very long - you can't change the past.
I am not good at... responding quickly in conversations/meetings. I need time to think.
I dance...not at all.
I sing...in the car or at home, usually by myself, but now lately, with max.
I cry...alot, lately.
I am not always...nice or happy.
I make...very little. my creativity is limited to wedding preparations right now.
I write...in my blog.
I confuse...my nieces. I've learned it's easier to greet them each with "sweetheart" until I get a grip as to who i'm talking to.
I need...to think about eating lunch.
I should...obsess about my weight less.
I start...cross-stitches.
I finish...reading books.

Responses

From the Meridian Star...

Prekindergarten not a function of government
I just finished reading an interesting article by G. Edward Griffin about the difference between collectivists and individualists (http://www.freedom-force.org/pdf/futurecalling1.pdf).

Becky Trask (“State should fund ‘PK-3,’” Friday, April 28) is obviously a collectivist. She wants government to solve all our problems. According to her, the state should fund prekindergarten. Why?

All parents are perfectly capable of teaching their children, especially during the preschool years. But Ms. Trask is busy bemoaning the fact that private schools and churches bear the burden of prekindergarten (which was known as day care once upon a time) and that parents bear the expense of prekindergarten (as well they should). According to Ms. Trask, if taxpayers would just fund prekindergarten and put our children’s futures under government control, the world would be a better place. She also wants the government to force parents to send their children to kindergarten.

First off, the state government hasn’t been able to fully fund kindergarten through 12th grade yet. The last thing our public education system needs is more “hands” asking for money. Let’s provide the students already in the system with new textbooks, safe classrooms and teachers before we add additional demands on an overburdened system.

Secondly, parents need to assume responsibility for their children. Every parent is perfectly capable of teaching children their ABCs, how to count, simple addition and subtraction, their colors and how to behave. We don’t need government interference in raising our children.

Those parents who don’t wish to be burdened with raising their own children are “free” to seek day-care providers; they shouldn’t expect taxpayers to pick up the tab.

From the Clarion Ledger

'Pre K-3' program needed in Miss.
I thank Becky Trask for her guest column ("Pre-kindergarten programs will help our children, state," May 8).

I am grateful to find that someone else shares my opinion in that "Pre K-3" should be part of the standard state curriculum for Mississippi.

Many of our disadvantaged kindergartners are beginning school far below where they should be in order to participate fully in a kindergarten program.

Many of these children do not have the advantage of attending a quality early childhood program to provide the positive growth and life experiences necessary to develop crucial language, spatial and motor skills.

A state-regulated "Pre-K" program would provide them guidance from a certified early childhood teacher. They would be read to, play with building blocks, go on field trips, and interact with other children, in addition to having healthy meals.

The federal government should funnel the money from Head Start, which has not achieved the goals it was designed for, into the various state educational systems.

Mississippi's children deserve better. Mississippi can do better.

What I get to do with my job...

In the Clarion Ledger & Meridian Star... A column I made "local" by adding information as it relates to Mississippi - drafted by the American Forum.

State should fund ‘PK-3’By becky trask / guest columnist
JACKSON — Mississippi does not fully fund K-12 education, nor do we have a comprehensive statewide prekindergarten program. Surely, this is not the best we can offer.

Private schools, nonprofit organizations and churches, and for-profit corporations bear the burden of preparing our children for enrollment in kindergarten and first grade. Parents bear the cost of most prekindergarten programs, which can be more expensive than a college education. In the end, children bear the cost of being ill-prepared for school.

We can begin to fix this by offering quality prekindergarten programming and mandatory kindergarten to all children. But for children to get the most out of growing public investments in early learning, we must align standards, curriculum and assessment from prekindergarten through the early elementary grades. That’s the PK-3 approach.

Research shows that investing in early education programs has a potential return rate of 16 percent by reducing costly grade retention, special-education placements, teen birthrates, crime and incarceration. Thirty-nine states now pay for all or many 3- and 4-year-olds to receive prekindergarten education. Why can’t we?

With 28 percent of our children currently living below the poverty level, we continue to put our state’s future at risk when we do not properly prepare our youngest and most vulnerable children for education success. Simply put, too many of our state’s children do not receive adequate early care and education. The resulting truth is that children across the state are showing up for kindergarten ill-prepared for the task ahead of them.

PK-3 begins with voluntary, full-day prekindergarten for all 3- and 4-year-old children. Compulsory schooling begins in kindergarten with a curriculum that builds on prekindergarten experiences. These experiences include early literacy and numeracy learning, the development of social skills and self-discipline.

Research supports the PK-3 approach. A study reported in the Journal of the American Medical Association tracked 1,500 disadvantaged minority children in Chicago for 16 years. About two-thirds of the children participated in a comprehensive preschool program where standards, curriculum and assessment were aligned with kindergarten through third grade. Called the Child-Parent Centers, these programs were part of the Chicago Public School system. The study found that CPC participants were almost 30 percent more likely to complete high school than a comparison group of equally disadvantaged children. Forty percent fewer CPC participants were held back in school or placed in special education, and CPC participants had 41 percent fewer arrests for violent crime. The study shows that an established government-funded and administered program can generate long-lasting results and benefits such as higher incomes and better citizenship.

The CPC program demonstrates how the PK-3 approach works to improve the literacy and math skills of all children, especially English-language learners and low-income children. The program strengthens children’s social skills and motivation to help them to succeed, reduces the need for special-education services, and reduces the “fade out” effects often found in prekindergarten-only programs.

The PK-3 approach encourages principals to build strong teams of qualified teachers. Teachers are required to have the qualifications, knowledge and skills to teach all grades from prekindergarten through third grade.

Teachers will thoroughly understand the development of the curriculum across grade levels and ages. This enables parents to build long-term relationships with these important adults in their children’s lives. To help qualified teachers make a career of early education, we must pay them what we pay all other elementary schoolteachers.

PK-3 also makes good economic sense. Schools that use the PK-3 approach are more likely to see all children reach fourth grade equipped with the skills needed to learn at a higher level and narrow the achievement gap between groups of children, and meet federal requirements under the No Child Left Behind law. They also improve every child’s chance of graduating high school and becoming productive members of their communities.

PK-3 stimulates the coordination of funding streams and makes more efficient use of state resources for early and elementary education. PK-3 encourages efficiency because it supports the coordination and alignment of prekindergarten with elementary school classes through third grade to ensure a consistent, quality education. Doing so will maximize our children’s potential.

While once thought to be a luxury, we now know that early education is very important for children, families and communities. It’s time to change the way our education system works from the bottom up. We can do this by investing in PK-3 for all our youngest children.

Becky Trask is coordinator of Congregations for Children at the Mississippi Conference of the United Methodist Church.

Melancholy

I lost a friend recently. Don't worry - she didn't die. She just decided not to be my friend anymore - in defense of another friend.

I am reminded of this every day. Every time I see my email box with no reply to my various emails to her - some personal, some professional. Every time I look at my calendar & see events at which she - in another life - would have been present. Every time I miss her family & company. Every time I look at my wedding guest list, inviting old & new friends to this wonderful event, knowing that this same event is forever linked to what caused me to lose her friendship.

I went on a date with her friend the weekend before Max & i got back together. It was a good date. I had no idea max was "coming around" and I was attempting to get on with my life, knowing - whether or not i admitted it - that i would give him/us another chance as soon as he "came around."

and the date was hurt by the bad timing of life.

and the date eventually came to a "i'm sorry this happened, but i genuinely hope you're happy" moment.

the friend has yet to speak to me.

(max, btw, thinks the whole thing is funny - losing a friend notwithstanding)

i felt bad about it then, and i still feel bad about it now. 'cause every day there's another reminder of what happened.

i wish i could just let go - forget what happened and blissfully plan my wonderful wedding and look forward to my new, wonderful life. (imagine happy melody playing/head-bobbing while reading that sentence... it makes it funnier)

why? why do i find this friendship - new as it was, relatively speaking - so hard to get past? why do i feel the need to continually apologize to someone who was not directly involved? why do i feel the need to beat myself up for marrying max?

i haven't lost a friend in a while. I've let some simmer on the back burner, and let some fade away as life moves on. I haven't been in the situation where someone decides - you have committed an offense so great that I can no longer talk to you or be your friend, and i will not even talk with you about this decision.

a friend of mine recently decided that she was no longer going to be friends with a guy. she told him. they talked about it. and talked about it. and talked about it.

which way is healthier? cold turkey, or belaboring a point?

this much I know: cold turkey hurts like hell. i miss my friend. i miss sharing things with her and gaining wisdom from her boldness. i miss her daughter - a treasure of a child.

so - learn this today - if you are upset with a friend - deal with it. don't shut them out.

my Lucy

This is the most recent pic of lucy that my sister sent... I can't wait to go home in 2 weeks so I can see "the luce."

She's such a cute baby!

everybody together now...

on the count of three -

breathe in deeply...

and S - I - G - H.

I got another three month's rental assistance from FEMA. After 3 weeks of "you need to send in this form... No, your computer-generated-very-difficult-to-falsify-invoice from your landlord isn't good enough. Have her sign another, generic-easy-to-falsify form.... What do you plan to do permanently to avoid paying rent/needing our help to do that?" all is finally settled, and in a positive outcome.

When I moved to Jackson, I was pleased that the conference office increased my salary to help with living expenses, but their increase wasn't enough, and my living expenses increased by $700 vs. the $300 increase they gave me. So, every month was going to be squeaking by - until FEMA came through with their rental assistance. And, this month was my 3 month renewal time... which meant I was walking on pins & needles every time I went to the grocery store. I'da been fine until May 10, and from then until the 15th, I would be drinking water & eating cereal., walking or hitching rides to work - esp. with gas prices the way they are.

So, needless to say, I was quite pleased to check my FEMA account to see that I was approved for another 3 months of assistance. Now I can breathe a little easier for the next 3 months. Keep posted mid-july for more breath holding.